


When you Love Someone and Bite your Tongue

by HoleiHeck



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bad Humor, Codependency, Dysfunctional Relationships, First Time, Human AU, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sibling Incest, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, annoying teenage boys, midgard AU, rich kid au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-18 09:38:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 40,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoleiHeck/pseuds/HoleiHeck
Summary: "Chase Loki like he had always done. Chase Loki’s smaller body bent in half on their father’s oak desk, paper sticking to Loki’s wet skin. Chase Loki’s half-smile, shapely mouth crooked up teasingly and promising all matter of things Loki didn’t have the right to promise to Thor. Chase after Loki’s fickle and mercurial heart, sometimes on his sleeves, sometimes smeared against the wall of abandoned homes they had once lived in peacefully."Or, snapshots on how two brothers get things a little twisted up.





	1. Chapter One

The hospital was very, very white. That was the first thing that Loki was able to think of with his mind slow and skull heavy and stuffed full. The second thing he was able to notice was that his stomach and throat hurt like hell, burning him all along his front. He was nauseated too- tight-wire and jumpy and stomach high up in his mouth. He coughed. It didn’t help. 

A figure moved into his eye line, indistinguishable and blurry before his eyes refocused and haloed by light, was the gently lined face of his mother. She moved a hand down the side of his face, smoothing back the hair at his temple. He turned into it. Her touch was cool. 

‘Are you up again, Sweetheart?’ 

Loki nodded and swallowed to try and get ready to speak only realize his mouth had no moisture. It took a few false starts to speak at all. ‘Again?’ he asked. 

His mother nodded as well, the lines growing deeper. ‘You still don’t remember? You woke up twice yesterday, but you forgot you had woken up at all.’

‘How long has it been since... I've been found?’

‘This is just your second day in a room. They want to make sure that you’re of sound mind, comparatively speaking, before your social worker interviews you, and then we’ll… talk about where you’ll go from here. But that means you have to remember waking up, first.’

Loki tried to swallow again.

‘They pumped my goddamned stomach, didn’t they?’

His mother smiled wanly. ‘You’re testing my patience,’ she said. ‘Making me hear a different variation of the same stupid realization over and over again.’ She slid her hand away, and Loki turned further into the touch as it left, turning his head fully to the side, staring his mother full in the face from her spot on the guest chair next to the head of his hospital bed. ‘Some words that I wish I never had to hear, Loki.’

‘And how many times,’ Loki paused, and raised a hand to his throat, as if that would soothe it. ‘How many times have you said as much?’

‘Evidently not enough for you to remember it.’

Loki reached out and was shocked by the amount of effort it took- was shocked to see his arm trembling under its own strain- and placed his hand on top of his mother’s where it rested on the neatly folded bedsheets. He gave it a little pat, and then dozed off again, against his will. 

They may have pumped his stomach, but his brain was not quite right. Time was slick and everything in the room was heavy and thick and falling asleep was as simple as blinking and waking as easy as taking in a breath. Loki dozed and woke and fitfully slept, and watched his mother watch him and watched himself, hooked up to IV’s and much smaller than he felt in years, engulfed by hospital blankets. Eventually he came more fully awake again, so that he could speak, so that he could call himself awake, and he told his mother that he remembered. 

A nurse came to check on him and when she talked to his mother she left, and then came back with a security guard. He popped his head in the door and introduced himself and explained that he was there to make sure Loki didn’t hurt himself and seated himself in the far corner of the room, by the glass doors that looked out to the nursing station. 

Loki and his mom waited and didn’t speak. Loki’s hand was still on top of his mother’s and she made no move to take it away, but no move to reciprocate, either. 

Finally, Loki caught sight of a shock of blonde headed his way, passing the nursing station with a water bottle clutched in his hands. 

Loki filled his lungs to the bottom of his chest and let it out slowly, achingly. 

When Thor approached the door the security guard went out to meet him and spoke in low tones that Loki couldn’t make out but could guess the gist of. All, ‘Do you have anything he could hurt himself with,’ ‘what is your relationship to him,’ and so on that was tedious and inconsequential when Loki was under surveillance and when Thor and Loki didn’t even know how to speak to each other in the first place. 

The security guard moved to let Thor pass through the door first, and Thor met eyes with Loki as went. The weight of his gaze was heavier than it had ever been, like the careless boy that shared his pastries and romped around the garden with Loki and looked at Loki with a soft little thing that might have just floated away all together had never existed at all. Loki forced himself not to drop his eyes. 

Thor cleared his throat and shifted, taking up far too much space in the hospital room, and clearly knowing it. He was in his school uniform. He always looked handsome in it. 

‘Loki,’ he said. ‘You’re awake again?’ 

‘Yeah. I remember now, uh, too. So, there’s that.’

‘That’s great.’ 

Thor looked like he really did think it was great. He looked earnest- looked strained.

Loki felt the hand under his slip away. Their mother offered up her seat to Thor, moving to stand behind the chair, hands on the head rest, flexed and veins stark against pale skin. Thor took up the offered seat after just a moment of hesitation, and when he settled in it his body was curved away from Loki’s but still close to him all the same, as if he was fighting his inclination to run in the opposite direction when it came to confronting his brother. 

‘Well,’ Thor started, and then stopped. He tried for a smile, but it died as quickly as it had come. Loki focused very hard on the plastic picture frame on the wall, and not on the rising pressure in his throat that he knew was unrelated to whatever tubes they had shoved down it. 

‘We’re just waiting for the social worker to be freed up so that they can come and do her evaluation.’

Thor nodded. ‘Good. That’s good.’ 

‘Yeah.’

Their mom was silent from her spot in the room, leaving them alone- just Thor and Loki, Loki and Thor. Loki counted his breaths to see how long it would take for one of them to say something again. When he got to three hundred, he broke the silence himself, turning to more fully face Thor.

‘So, did you get any cake? I was told by Gertrude it was quite good.’ His mother gasped from behind Thor and Thor’s face closed completely before it broke open, full of hot and urgent anger.

‘I fucking knew it! You knew we would find you! You-you selfish, vindictive asshole! You are literally the worst b-‘

‘Thor!’ Their mother snapped, resting a hand on Thor’s shoulder to quiet him. Thor didn’t pull his gaze from Loki, eyes burning straight into him. Loki saw their mother give Thor’s shoulder a squeeze. Loki blinked rapidly. Thor’s face didn’t soften. 

‘Happy birthday, Thor,’ Loki said, voice flat and as emotionless as he knew how. Thor’s nostrils flared, and he stood, shaking off their mother’s hand and storming out of the hospital room. Their mother wavered where she stood, like she was going to go after Thor, but instead just sighed, and continued to stand in her place above the guest chair, hand braced, and head bowed. 

 

________

Regardless of how mad Thor was, he visited Loki at the ward they placed him in. Loki wouldn’t be surprised if Thor just visited him for the view- he was up on the fifth floor of a high and lofty facility with windows looking over the water and equipped with room service and an on-retainer staff. It was less like a psyche ward and more like a holiday suite at the Hampton's. 

The visiting hours were supposed to be just for one hour in the morning and one in the evening, but being an Odinson, Thor was permitted to visit Loki everyday after school well before visiting hours. When he visited, they played cards and didn’t talk, not even in the old way they used to when they played games; competitive and teasing and fun.

Thor’s visits would be boring, if they weren’t so tense. 

Thor grunted when he laid down his cards and said nothing when Loki picked them right back up into his hand. 

All Thor’s visits had been like this. Loki was almost sure that their mother was forcing Thor to go and visit him but thinking about it was too hot and too sore and Loki just pushed it to the back of his mind where it would quietly obsess but where he wouldn’t have to directly confront it. He didn’t need to think about other people and how they were feeling; it was a luxury he didn’t have, and anyway, it was written all across Thor’s face. Their interactions were painful for him. 

Loki neatly laid out forty points and emptied his hand. Thor just gathered his cards instead of counting his own points, so Loki gathered his as well, handing them back to Thor to be shuffled for a second game. Loki cleared his throat, as if to speak, but his voice fled at Thor’s look. The message was clear. Thor dealt the cards for a new game. 

Halfway through the game, he decided to test Thor. If they couldn’t speak, they Loki would have to study him. Loki reached his legs forward until they were breaching Thor’s side of the table but did nothing more for the rest of their game. Once the third game started Loki very, very carefully slotted his feet in between Thor’s. Thor’s shoulders rose, but he showed no other signs of acknowledging Loki’s invasion into his space. As they played Thor’s shoulders dropped slowly, deflating, and eventually he even moved to lean his right leg into Loki’s. Loki pressed back, gently. 

They played slower that game, not taking risks or playing high cards, saving them all for the end they kept delaying. It was good. It was as open as Loki knew how to be with a person. 

Eventually, Thor ended the game, and detached himself from Loki, pulling one leg after the other underneath himself and standing up. He handed the pack of card back to Loki. 

Loki took them, standing up as well, and swallowing roughly. Thor gave a nod and turned to leave like he had every time before, but Loki, motivated by some unnameable inclination followed Thor to the check in, where Thor’s things were waiting for him.

Thor pulled his jacket back on and threw his bag over his shoulder and started toward the wide double doors that Loki wasn’t even allowed near. Loki surprised himself with a sound- low and reedy from his throat. Thor paused, with his back still to Loki. 

‘You know it didn’t have anything to do with you, don’t you?’ Loki asked, once he could speak. Thor said nothing, just pushed forward and parted the doors in front of him and walked out.

_______

When Loki finally got back home there were flowers on his nightstand signed from his mom and a small stuffed animal from their nanny turned housemaid, Gertrude. She had always been fond of Loki, for some unfathomable reason. 

He went to sit on the bed. He remembered when him and Thor were kids and Thor would bound into his room with only a cursory knock, claiming a corner of his bed and catching him up on the going-ons of all his friends and all their acquaintances as soon as Loki would come home. Now that they were older, there would be no knock, and no Thor. Loki had been on his own for years now, and he was doing just fine. 

That’s what he could tell the doctors the social workers at the ward had set him up with: he was doing just fine. Hello nice to meet you Dr. Reynolds, Dr. Parker, I’m doing just fine. Keep your medication, keep your advice.

Loki just had to get through the next breath, and then through the next. It was easy. Just one breath at a time. 

__________

Thor wasn’t nearly as drunk as anyone else. He was just sticking to beer that evening, as the acting DD, but he figured his friends were merry enough to make up for him- Sif was leaning over an armchair and was talking emphatically to Fandral, the two of them sharing a bottle of clear liquor Fandral had produced seemingly from thin air. Volstagg reached around them and took a long drink from their bottle and they both laughingly swatted at him, trying to get the bottle back. Thor smiled and turned back to Steve, who was in the middle some long-winded story about his best friend Bucky and their antics back in Brooklyn. Thor was only half-listening. 

In all honesty Thor was only doing half of anything since he went across the hall to Loki’s room and saw him with their mom’s prescription bottle on the floor and him prone in his bed, motionless. He couldn’t shake what Loki’s looked like in the ICU, tube pushed between pale lips and pieces of soggy pills pulled up and emptied pump after pump.

Thor smiled wanly at Steve, and after his story, decided he need another beer. He got up to try and find the host on his way, offer his thanks for the invitation. 

The hostess was some sweet girl who was being steamrolled by her best friend into having the party in the first place, her house full of people she didn’t know. He at least wanted to offer the girl some sincere conversation before the night was over. 

Thor opened the sliding glass door to try and look for her in the backyard, when he felt a sharp tug on his arm. He staggered onto the deck and blinked, looking down on who had a hold of his arm. It took him a second, but he recognized the face. It was the Stark kid- the kid of one of his parent’s couple friends that Loki had some kind of undefinable loathing for and who, as far as Thor could tell, was all too eager to be Loki’s friend. 

‘Thor! My man! How are you? Good I hope?’ He tugged Thor out onto the deck in front of him, kind of as a human shield. ‘Anyway, small problem, wasn’t invited, hit on a guy’s girlfriend, he’s pissed, and he’s on his way over here.’ 

Thor blinked a couple of times. 

‘What?’ True to Tony’s word a couple of guys roughly Thor’s age came barreling their way, all holding back one guy who was dead set on Stark. Thor weighed the pros and cons of getting involved but decided ultimately that if Tony was Loki’s age, and these kids were his age, then it was a fight he couldn’t let happen. He stepped more fully in front of Stark, feeling kind of douchey as he did so. ‘Come on guys, he’s just a kid.’

‘Hey!’ Stark yelped. Thor turned around with raised eyebrows. ‘I mean yeah,’ Stark amended. 

‘He was old enough to tell my girlfriend that she had an ass he’d like to swim in!’

Thor grimaced. ‘… really?’ he shook his head. ‘Never mind. That’s not the point. Didn’t you guys say embarrassing shit all the time when you were his age? Puberty sucks and he has years left of this shit, so can’t we just cut him some slack?’

‘Fuck off!’ The man being held back in the middle broke free from his friends and charged Thor and Stark, and in response Thor got low at the last minute and braced for impact so that Stark wouldn’t be hit, and was tackled around the middle, wind knocked out of him. Instead of doing something that might show a little self-preservation, like running away, Stark just stayed and stupidly watched as Thor wrestled with a drunk and angry man on a second story deck balcony. 

Thor managed to get free before one of the friends that was originally holding his friend back decided to help his friend and join in on the fight. Thor dodged his sloppy punch but didn’t manage to dodge another tackle by the first man, this time through the railing of the balcony. Music Thor wasn’t even aware of playing stopped, and everyone got quiet. All he was aware of was the fucking heavy body on top of him, the pain in his rib cage, the lack of air, and the lack of ability to draw air into his lungs. The asshole on top of him groaned. 

‘Fuck me, get off.’ Thor pushed past the pain in his chest and rolled the man off him. The man moved smoothly and blinked in surprise, as if Thor shielding him from their fall and preventing him from injury was surprising. Stark was staring down at him from the edge of the deck, wide eyed and a half grin on his face. 

Fucking ridiculous.

Thor popped up- a person cheered in response- and stormed towards the Stark boy, herding off the deck and around the side of the house, making a quick getaway to the street parking out front. 

 

Thor rapped his fingers against the steering wheel, just a half beat off tune with the song Stark had picked when they had climbed into Steve’s car and he had plugged in his phone to the aux almost immediately.

‘This car is ancient. It can’t be yours?’

‘No,’ Thor said. ‘It’s Steve’s. I don’t have a car yet. Or a driver’s license. So be good.’

‘Be good? What the hell does that mean? What am I going to do, rip the steering wheel from your hands?’

Thor forced out a laugh. Stark wasn’t a bad kid, but Thor had come to understand a little of Loki’s ire. He really was kind of annoying. ‘I’d hope not. Driving in the city is hard enough as it is.’

‘Yeah, why not just use a driver?’

‘Not all of my friends are comfortable with drivers, and we all came together.’ 

‘Then why didn’t you take the subway?’

Thor looked across at Stark. ‘I might be down to earth for a rich kid, but I still am a rich kid,’ Thor grudgingly admitted. Stark looked absolutely delighted. 

‘Love it dude. Anyways, I’m glad you drove. This is fun.’

Thor raised an eyebrow and gestured to the standstill in front of them. ‘This is fun to you?’ he asked. 

‘Yeah! Getting to know my knight in shining armor- real talk, chilling with an Odinson. I mean our parents have always been buddies but I feel like we’ve never really talked. It’s cool.’ A car made a sudden move to merge without a blinker into Thor’s lane and Thor had to slam on the brakes and bite back a curse. Cool. 

‘Okay then,’ Thor said, playing along. ‘What’s something that you want to know?’

Stark rubbed his hands together like a fly landing on it’s perch. 

‘Earliest childhood memory?’

‘Easy. Running around with Loki on his first birthday. There was a dinosaur theme. It was neat.’ 

‘Favorite animal?’

‘Raccoon.’

‘Weird. I dig it. Have you ever broken any bones?’

‘Once, when I was eight and me and Loki were riding our bikes down the hill in the neighborhood over.’

‘You guys are close, huh?' Stark asked, not really looking for an answer. 'I remember when we were little you two were always off in your own world, giggling and gossiping and doing who knows what.’

Thor paused, but not long enough to be noticed. ‘We were close, yeah.’ And they were. Maybe not in the last few years but the love was there. Had never left. Laid inside of Thor with nowhere to go and land home in. Loki and Thor had been so close, and now things were different than they’d been before. More than ever.

Stark was silent for a beat too long, before picking up the conversation- all cheer. ‘So I haven’t heard anything from Loki lately. How’s he doing? He always falls off the radar over summer break.’

‘He’s fine.’

‘Oh,’ Tony said. ‘That’s good. He always seems so cold that I never know.’

‘That’s- Loki’s not cold. He’s just- just-‘

‘Selective?’ Thor grimaced, but Stark just laughed and clasped him on the shoulder. ‘It’s fine,’ he said. ‘I know he’s not my biggest fan.’

‘That’s not necessarily true.’

‘It kind of is. But we’ll be friends eventually.’ He tapped his nose. ‘I have a feeling.’

‘Why?’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘It’s just-‘Thor shrugged. ‘What is it about Loki that makes you so dead set on being his friend? Why is it so important to you?’

Stark didn’t say anything for a while, as if he was driving home some kind of point that Thor hadn’t the faintest hint of.

‘I don’t know. But I know, you know? When you click with someone a certain way, you know that it’s supposed to be that way. And fighting it is stupid. And I mean, it’s Loki. Why do you like being his friend?’

‘I’m not his friend. I’m his brother.’

‘Maybe that’s the problem.’

‘You are so annoying.’

 

It took Thor almost two hours to get back to the party after dropping off Stark just shy of his building, so that Thor didn’t have to fare the security and Stark could attempt to sneak back in, however futile. 

By the time he walked back into the house people had dropped off like flies- scattered and few and badly paired off. It took him a while to find someone he knew, eventually finding Hogun, Steve, and Fandral off in a guest bedroom sharing a new bottle and plugged into a TV mounted into the wall. From the look of things Steve was winning spectacularly. 

He joined then and they spoke noisily, cursed, shoved, drank, did things that teenage boys did for a long time before Sif ran into the room. Her hair had fallen loose around her shoulders and she was panting. ‘Volstagg needs help. Now.’ When no one moved to follow her, just stared, she cracked, just a little bit, voice rising in pitch. ‘Guys, I’m fucking serious! I don’t know what to do so just- come on! It’s bad!’ They got up as one and followed her upstairs the bathroom off the master suite, where she said Volstagg was. When they opened the door the room smelled of vomit and alcohol and piss. Thor hesitated on the threshold when he caught sight of Volstagg- in a similar state as Loki just a scant few weeks ago. 

Volstagg was passed out in the bathtub, arm crooked at an unnatural angle up by his side and vomit running down his neck and in the corners of his mouth. Steve pushed past Thor and went to Volstagg’s side, resting two fingers on his neck. ‘His hearts beating.’ Steve drew his face close to Volstagg’s, listening to his breath. ‘He’s still breathing but it’s thready.’ 

Fandral came and stopped at Thor’s shoulder, looking in at the scene before them. He blanched. ‘We need to call an ambulance. He has alcohol poisoning for sure.’

Sif shook her head. ‘We’ll all be busted.’ She looked at Steve pleadingly. ‘He’s fine, isn’t he?’ Steve pursed his lips.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. 

Volstagg spit up more, but it didn’t leave his mouth, so Steve had to push him downwards facing so that the gravity carried it out. His body kept contracting but nothing was coming out. The contractions became violent spasms, something that was clearly a seizure. Steve’s hands hovered over Volstagg, unsure and shaking. 

‘I-Fandral’s right. He might have taken something else too. Call an ambulance.’

‘Are you sure?’ Fandral asked.

Steve hesitated, and then dropped his hand down onto Volstagg, trying to soothe him and hold him still. 

He looked grim. ‘I’m sure. He needs help.’ 

 

They wheeled Volstagg out the front door on a stretcher, just like they had Loki. The whole thing was too- too close to home. He was worried about Volstagg, of course, but he couldn’t shake the vision that haunted him: Loki small and pale and hurried away by medics. 

They got in Steve’s car and followed the ambulance. When they made it to the ER, they sat in the plastic waiting chairs. Sif picked at her fingernails and Hogun shuffled his feet while Steve hunched forward, Fandral creasing his brow next to him and Thor- Thor leaned his head back against the wall, feeling as though he was about to vomit. 

It took no time at all for them to move Volstagg into a room in the ICU, outside of which they were allowed to wait, three at a time. After a few minutes the dietary staff wheeled down a cart with coffee and hot water and some scattered baked goods laid out for them. A little while later, Volstagg’s parents made it to the hospital, blustering through the doors in their nightwear. Thor and his friends excused themselves from the inside the ICU. They waited right outside in the hallway hoping for news, and the nurses didn’t seem to have the heart to kick them out. Thor slid down the wall and sat next to Sif, who was curled over her knees, and reached for her hand. She took it easily. 

‘It’ll be okay Thor,’ she spoke, a tired raspy thing. Thor almost believed her regardless. If there were anyone of his friends that would know, that was strong and unwavering and could somehow-somehow make it so Volstagg really would be okay, it would be Sif.

He squeezed her hand. 

Fandral banged his hand against his chair. ‘How did this even happen? I mean who was he with, what was he doing?’ he asked. 

Sif shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I went looking for him and found him in the bathtub he was in when I got you. I think someone dropped him off there, but it’s no one’s fault. We were all choosing to drink.’

‘But if someone had let us know-‘

‘We still almost didn’t call an ambulance, and he was having a seizure.’

‘Well they still just left him!’

‘Or maybe he left them! We don’t know, he had a bottle in there!’

They all fell quiet, thinking about what the last couple minutes of the party had been like for their friend, and in each moment that passed without any good new, they painted a saintlier picture of Volstagg in their mind. 

Eventually they jumped at the sound of an intercom system crackling to life and at a blaring: ‘Code blue, ICU 6, code blue. Code blue, ICU 6, code blue.’ From the other end of the ICU a piece of machinery was wheeled into the rooms in front of them. Everyone went stiff and didn’t speak for a very long time. 

‘What room-‘ Fandral didn’t finish his question. None of them needed him to. 

An expanse of time that could have been an inhale or an hour passed until finally, a mousy looking nurse poked her head out of the double doors of the ICU and looked around before catching sight of them. She gave a little jerk of her head to indicate they should come over. Sif squeezed Thor’s hand again and when he looked at her she nodded at him, so he stood up, heavy, stomach turning, hot and primordial, and managed to make his way to the nurse. 

When she told Thor, he didn’t immediately absorb the meaning of the words. He turned them over a few times. He still didn’t understand. He knew rationally, what happened. Had know since the small nurse had called him over as a courtesy- but it wouldn’t stick. He had her repeat herself. She looked at him like he was a thing to be pitied.

It seemed impossible. They had watched just minutes ago- doctors crowding around his bed and sticking things into him and fixing him, fixing him. Not letting him die. Because if he was dead, it was on Thor’s watch. 

A small but firm hand wrapped around his bicep. When he looked down, it was to the top of Sif’s head. She was asking the nurse something and then the nurse was speaking back at her, slow and careful. Sif spoke in clipped tones, but politely, spine straight as always, even now. Eventually the small nurse went through something that looked like departing gestures and slipped back into the double doors. Sif stood there with him, facing the wall. They could hear somebody sniffling behind them. 

‘He’s dead,’ he said. 

‘Yeah.’ Sif’s voice was tight in a way it never was. Thor closed his hand around the one on his arm and hung his head. Sif, for once, allowed herself to sway into his chest and they stayed that way, feeling the heat of the other, and waited a long moment before going back to the others.

________

Thor had to squint to keep his eyes focused. Hogun wasn’t doing any better, eyes heavy lidded and unfocused, staring at some vague point over the assembly hall. Thor tried to look over at the sophomore seating for Sif, and eventually found her, sitting in the front, face turned downwards, shoulders hunched. She shouldn’t have to be subjected to this. None of them should. It was partly their fault that Volstagg had died, sure, but belittling them for drinking and getting together like every teenager everywhere wouldn’t bring him back to life. They had already served their suspensions. They didn’t need this. Volstagg didn’t need to become an after school special about the dangers of drinking and drugs.

Thor hadn’t even known he was on drugs. Nobody did.

A group of energetic people in brightly colored tee-shirts spilled onto the stage and Thor nudged Hogun in the side. Hogun cocked his head. 

‘Wanna go split another bone?’

Their absence would be noted. Their parents would probably be called. In that moment Thor didn’t care. Or maybe the problem was that Thor cared very, very much. 

Hogun nodded and they slipped out of their pew and head for the bathrooms. 

 

When Thor came home that evening he was irritated. He was almost always irritable and agitated when he took Xanax and it wore off. He was muddy from practice and fall rains and just wanted a long shower and maybe to punch something hard enough to watch it break- watch it crumple or bleed by his hand. So he was less than enthused when his mom was there to accost him almost as soon as he made it through the door.

‘Sweetheart! How was lacrosse?’

‘Dirty. But okay. How was your day, Mom?’

‘It was good. But-‘ his mom pursed her lips. ‘If you don’t mind, after you shower would you come up to your father’s study for a moment? We need to have a little chat.’

‘I don’t-‘ Thor took in his mother’s face, tired and artificially cheerful. He sighed. ‘Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine.’

She smiled and reached out like she was going to hug him but thought better of it, seeing the sweat and the mud across his front. She settled for resting her hand on his cheek. ‘Thank you, Thor. I promise to try and keep it painless.’

‘Will Dad be there?’

‘Well-‘

‘Not so painless, then.’ 

‘Thor!’ Her tone was sharp, but her face was smiling, and Thor decided not to push his luck and ducked around her, marching up the staircase to the second landing on which his and Loki’s rooms where. He took a moment to look at the picture taking up the whole wall at the base of the staircase-of Loki and Thor when they were young- before heading to his bathroom, stripping as he went.

He still couldn’t compartmentalize what Loki had done. And with Volstagg gone, he didn’t have the luxury to. 

Loki was a naked, loose wire around inside of him stinging at the odd moment. A sudden flash of anxiety, a sudden flash of anger. And so much worry, so much grief. Everything was all crossed up and mixed up inside of him. He needed someone to wade inside him and sort everything out until it didn’t hurt anymore. Until he could fall asleep and eat and go more than two seconds without remembering that his life was fucked up. 

The best Thor could do was live outside his mind, and clean himself and dry himself and make his way to the fourth floor where his father’s study was, full of leather furniture and leather books and a leather man sitting behind his desk with one eye and an impressive countenance. Behind one of his shoulders was his mother, familiar and dear. Thor swallowed. 

‘Have a seat son.’ Thor walked gingerly, and settled himself in the armchair across from his father’s desk. When he was a child the armchair had been massive. Now, it almost fit him. ‘I suppose you know why we’ve called you for this talk?’

‘Is it about the assembly today?’

‘Among other things, yes. Thor-‘ his father lurched forward and rested his bulk onto his arms on the desk in front of him. It creaked just slightly under the weight. ‘Your mother and I are, above all, worried about you. The death of a friend is a great trauma, and we just want to know how you’ve been handling it.’

‘Oh. Oh-I uh, I’m doing okay I guess. I mean the assembly today kind of sucked, but it-in general, I’m okay.’

‘Thor,’ his mother said. ‘Loss can be funny in how we experience it, and nothing is too small for you to come to us for, if you need to. We’re here. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience such a tragedy so young.’

‘Yes,’ Thor’s father agreed. ‘So young. Which brings us to our next point.’

‘Odin-‘

‘Thor, we are worried about your habits. It’s a slippery slope; drinking and drugs. What starts out as once in a while at a party becomes a habit that can easily become an addiction. We want to nip this in the bud before it gets too far. We want you to go to rehab.’ 

Thor stayed quiet and watched his father’s eye. He let the tension in the room build. 

He would not. He would not. 

His mother spoke, ‘Thor, sweetie, I don’t know if you need rehab,’ she cast a look at the back of his father’s head . ‘But we have noticed that some of the liquors have been going quicker than usual and while we’re fine with you drinking wine and beer-‘

‘I don’t even drink liquor!’

‘Then who’s drinking it boy!?’

Thor looked around the room incredulously. He wasn’t sure that what was happening was really happening, but that was a growing trend in his life at the moment. ‘I don’t know! Gertrude? Loki? You, but you forgot?’

‘Don’t you dare blame other people for your problem!’

‘But I don’t have a problem!’ Thor turned towards his mom, desperate. ‘Mom, please, you have to believe me. I don’t have a drinking problem. Yeah, I drink sometimes at parties, but that’s it! I promise. I would never even want to drink alone or at home or anything!’

His mom visibly wavered. ‘Odin, maybe we should talk toge-‘

‘Don’t take his side!’

‘I’m not taking sides, I’m being rational! There could be other reasons, other factors.’

‘Yes, lets believe the teenage boy about his drinking habits-‘

‘Thor’s a good boy. He’s given us no reason to doubt him before now-‘

‘Besides one of his friends being found with cocaine in their corpse!’

Thor jolted up from the arm chair. ‘I didn’t know Volstagg was using. No one did. I’m not using or abusing alcohol, and I’m not going to rehab. Are we done here?’

‘No.’

Thor looked at his dad down his nose, unflinching. ‘You called my friend a corpse,’ he said. His dad watched him back. After a moment he nodded slowly, and turned towards Thor’s mom.

‘You can go for now, Thor. We’ll continue this later.’

Thor stormed out, hands curled into fist to stop his shaking. These days there was so much new anger inside of Thor, that it was displacing everything else inside of him. He wasn’t Thor anymore, he was a feeling, an action, a new way of surviving that felt like he was barley holding on. He needed something. Something. 

______

 

Loki’s birthday wasn’t long after Thor’s. It came and went without much pronouncement, just a solitary cake and a family dinner, Hela and Granddad included. Loki was glad. 

Thor was probably glad, what with his current preoccupations.

Loki plopped himself down at his desk in front of his Mac and opened a tab, closed it, and opened it again. He sighed and pushed away from his desk, listening to the dull rolling from his chair underneath him. He pushed himself all the way to the door just to hear it. And sat in front of his door, staring at the outdated stained wood and willing himself to open it. A crash from down the hall finally had him standing up and reaching for the door and out of his room. He walked down the hallway slowly, like he didn’t know where the noise was coming from, checking the few guest rooms on his way down the hall. 

Thor’s bedroom door was already ajar when he reached it. He pushed it open the rest of the way with the pads of his fingers spread apart, barely pushing at all. 

Inside Thor was taking giant heaving breaths, his hair tangled and loose around his shoulders and the contents of his desk spilled across the floor-the desk itself turned over onto its side. 

Loki walked in slowly, and Thor tensed at the sound. He made to turn around, and when he did, his face was bald and aching and screaming something at Loki that Loki didn’t understand. Thor crumpled, and Loki didn’t move from the door.

‘I killed him.’ Thor’s voice was wrecked. Thor’s room was wrecked. Thor himself, was wrecked. 

‘You didn’t. He killed himself.’

‘I was the DD.’

Loki shook his head and shuffled forward. He stepped on a piece of glass and hissed, bending to pick it from his skin. Thor just watched him, watching him as he set his bloody foot down on Thor’s bedroom floor and stepped forward again, drawing closer to Thor himself at the center of the room, the center of the mess. 

Thor was like an animal. A wild thing unbroken and injured and ready to run headfirst into anything. Loki didn’t know what to do with a Thor that was so deconstructed. 

‘Thor, you didn’t do anything. It was-it was a tragic accident, nothing more. No one’s fault.’ 

Thor met eyes with Loki, tired and red, and begging for Loki to keep on talking, to try and soothe whatever it was inside of Thor that was so painful. ‘Then why do I feel like this, Loki?’

Loki was right in font of Thor, and he reached a hand out to him, let it clasp on his shoulder. Thor shuddered. ‘Because you’re good. Because you lost someone dear to you. And that hurts.’ Thor still watched him, head lowered. 

‘You hurt.’

Loki had to fight the wild urge to smile. 

‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘You’re not!’

‘I am. You know I am.’

Thor turned and grabbed the lamp off his nightstand and threw it across the room. It sizzled out at went dark and Loki swore he could feel it in his mouth.

‘Stop lying. Stop saying things. Stop doing things!’

Loki resisted the urge to stamp his foot. ‘I’m not lying! I didn’t mean to hurt anyone!’

Thor surged forward and fisted his hands in Loki’s shirt, pulled them close until Loki could feel Thor breathing on his face. ‘Yes you did. You’re a selfish, awful person! You’re always doing things to hurt me.’ He averted his eyes. ‘Everything fucking hurts, Loki.’

Loki moved to hug Thor but Thor just pushed him back, two hands hard on his chest. ‘Don’t touch me.’

‘Well what do you want me to do?! I want to help you, Thor, but you don’t want to be helped. You just want to hurt!’

‘So do you! You’re the same but worse! You’re the reason I hurt!’

Loki laughed meanly, spoke before he could think better of it: ‘I’m pretty sure it’s your cokehead friend and not me, who’s causing you all this drama.’

Thor snatched Loki’s wrist and held it with bruising force, dragged Loki close yet again. Loki tugged to try and return it, but Thor just held fast. Held tighter.

‘Thor you brute, let me go!’

‘No!’ Thor roared. ‘You listen to me! You fucked me up! Why did you-on top of everything, you just fucking, fucked me up! Why do you hate me so much that you’d try to- to do that on my birthday? Why would you try to leave me? Why, Loki?’ Thor shook him. ‘You already hurt me enough, I’m already hurting enough. You didn’t need to do that on top of it.'

Loki reminding himself to breath. Noticed that even Thor’s eyelashes still were blonde. How long had it been since they’d been this close?

‘Do I make you hurt?’

‘I already fucking told you you do.’

Loki leaned further into Thor’s space. Thor was so angry, and the space between them was full of a tension that was pulled too tight to breathe. Loki wanted to do anything to get rid of it. Loki wanted to do something reckless.

Thor was magnetic like this, magnetic when letting out all the things inside of him that Loki had been lucky enough to inspire. 

Thor had hurt Loki. For so long, and so cluelessly. And now, Thor was beautiful. Disheveled and angry and throwing all of him into all of Loki, ready to bring Loki to the ground. Loki was ready to go with him and to show him he cared in return; kicking and biting and fighting back. At this point Loki’s nose could almost brush Thor’s. 

‘Then fucking show me.’

When Gertrude came to separate them Loki was pinned beneath Thor, his ears ringing and a chunk of Thor’s hair in his fist. Thor climbed off him without looking at him, without saying a word, and Gertrude ushered Loki back to his room, looking him over for any serious injuries. 

Loki was fine. It was more intimidation and screaming than psychical blows. But still, he couldn’t settle his heart. 

______

Thor liked being sweaty. It wasn’t a conscious thing-a thing that Thor would ever in his ordinary life think-but deep in some stupid ancestral part of his mind he liked the feeling of sweat beading and cooling and falling against his skin. 

Underneath the construction hat that he had gotten from-from somewhere, he was sweating profusely. He looked around. The girl to his left shrieked and fell into her friend, trying to tug her high heel free from the sewer grate and there were lit pumpkins up the stairs of one of the townhouses and cars just parked fucking everywhere. He didn’t remember what street they’d parked on, or even the street the stupid townhouse the party was at was perched on, so he lumbered on, clicking Steve’s keys and looking out for a car that lit up. 

He found the car eventually, and slung himself behind the wheel and stabbed blindly at the ignition. 

When he pulled out of the street, he was fairly sure he was going the wrong way in a one way street, but he pressed on to look for the main city.

For lights. Traffic.

He didn’t find it. He could only squint at the windshield, barely remembering to put on his lights and pull into backroad after backroad, getting well and truly lost. Getting further from the city and further from the party-full of names on mouths where they did not belong.

He pulled further into the suburbs until he found a Starbucks and decided that he might as well give up. He hopped out-keys still in the ignition and car idling-moving towards the center of the street. He laid down on the neatly painted stripes. Smacked his construction hat against the concrete. 

There were two streetlights. No traffic.

A car eventually came by but just swerved around him, going slowly. He waved. They didn’t wave back. After a while another car came up to him, headlights blinding him, and a figure got out passenger side. A broad figure. He knew that fucking figure. He banged his head again.

‘You have to get up, Thor,’ Steve said. He was frowning down at Thor. 

‘Help me get up.’

Steve offered his hand and Thor took it, letting his weight drag as he did, heedless of Steve’s efforts. Steve just rolled his eyes, and dusted of some gravel stuck to the backs of Thor’s arms, the bastard. 

‘Where’s my car?’ Thor pointed over at the Starbucks and Steve sighed before going over to the car still behind them and bending down to talk to the driver through his window. After a moment the car pulled away and Steve pulled Thor in the direction of his own car.

‘You were way too fucking drunk to drive, Thor.’

‘I managed just fine.’ 

‘You’re parked on a curb. Luckily it’s all tire or else you’d have broke my-‘

‘Just fine.’ 

Steve snorted and they both climbed into the car, reversing carefully and heading in what Thor thought was the direction of the town house. It was quiet enough to think, which meant that Thor was not drunk enough and he needed to get back to the city or back home or- ‘Can you take me home, Steve?’ Sometimes when Thor was drunk, or even when he was sober, he would think things so hard he would say them before he even finished thinking them at all. He tended to just roll with it, figuring it an occasional nudge from fate, or something near to it. 

In that moment, lights bouncing off parked cars and into Thor’s eyes, and the dark street expanding out in front of him, Thor was happy to return to his barely country home with rolling lawns and the dear people inside of it that walked past Thor, that smelled alive and looked whole. People that flushed with warmth and the cold and emotions, telling Thor with their bodies that real people lived there. Lived.

Steve looked over, soft and concerned. ‘Yeah, sure. You feeling okay buddy? Should I get a bag or something?’

‘No, I’m not gonna barf I just-I just wanna be home.’

‘Okay. I was getting tired anyways. Might head home after dropping you off.’

‘You’re always saying that your tired. Aren’t seniors supposed to have less work?’

‘You’d think, right? No, the exhaustion never leaves. That’s the legacy of the American educational system.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Besides…’ Thor waited for Steve to speak. When he didn’t pick up the thread, Thor ignored it, knowing who it was about. Why two high school kids would be so, so tired. Knowing a name that didn’t bare speaking because it was fragile and pale like all the names of the dead, and was better left stuffed down their throats. ‘We should talk though,’ Steve said after a long while. ‘About what the hell you were doing stealing my car. Like what the fuck!?’

‘Yeah, that was…not cool. Sorry.’

‘And why were you laying in the middle of the street? I don’t know, but-Thor it looked-it looked bad.’

‘It felt bad. I’m sorry. I got caught up in my mind and I needed to get out of there and I don’t know. I didn’t know. I still don’t.’

‘So when you feel bad, you, as a seventeen year old drunken person of otherwise full facilities decide to steal a friend’s car and lay in traffic? That’s so fucking weird, and just not okay.’

‘Again, Steve, I’m sorry. I was out of line. I mean it’s your car. I fucked up. If I so much as scratched it, I promise I’ll buy you a new one.’

Steve rolled his eyes-again-and took a sharp right turn. ‘Cut the bullshit. You’re fucked up about Volstagg. You heard what Daniel Owens said about him and it messed you up. Own up. Take it from someone that’s lived in denial: it’s not a place that anything grows. Grief traps you unless you let yourself feel it. So feel it. Just don’t fucking… steal my car again. I swear to God I won’t be as forgiving a second time. I mean you are lucky it’s unscathed.’ 

Thor laughed and Steve joined him. It was easy. Feelings were easy. He had to believe they were.

‘Let’s just… awkwardly not talk for the rest of the ride?’ Thor offered. 

‘Sounds like a plan. In case you can’t tell, I’m still a little pissed. Worried as hell, but pissed.’

By the time that Steve dropped Thor off at the gates to his property he had made not just one, but two more inquiries into the headspace of Thor regarding the laying in traffic, to which Thor assured him that there wasn’t really any traffic, and he wasn’t trying to cause himself any harm. He finally managed to make it out of the car, punching in the security code and waving Steve off as he took the loop and drove away. Thor set off down the long road to his home.

It was a nice walk. His mom’s gardens and lawns were as always, picturesque, but the gravel was rough on his feet-and when did he loose his shoes? Thor cursed and moved to walk on the lawn. His mom would be pissed, but it was what it was. She would get over it. After all, she had tried to send him to rehab, and he had gotten over it. Mostly. 

By the time he reached the heavy wooden doors he had tossed his button up somewhere over the hedge and taken off his belt and was well and ready to crawl under the covers and into bed.

He opened the door as quietly as one could open doors of that size and crept into the entryway. He wanted a snack before bed and decided to go to the kitchens. On the way there he passed through the sitting room and startled when he saw a figure huddled on the corner of one of his mother’s couches. Not that they were actually couches for sitting on, let alone sleeping, but there was Loki regardless, fast asleep with his hair swept out of his face and his body limp. Thor moved closer as if by instinct. 

He was so still. Loki never moved in his sleep. Thor knew that. When they were children Loki would fall asleep in the same position as he woke up in, not even a hair out of place. 

But still, seeing him unmoving, it made Thor’s insides clench with by now, well-practiced panic. 

He tried to calm himself down, to rationalize. He watched Loki’s chest shallowly rise and fall, but he was thinking of Loki and Volstagg with tubes coming out from their mouths and arms and noses. He focused on the breath coming from between Loki’s parted lips.

He thought of ‘Code Blue, Code Blue’ and empty pill bottles. He focused on the color of Loki’s mouth and-and it was a very nice color, actually. 

Thor had always thought Loki had a nice mouth. Thin but shapely. Perfect for a sneaky grin or a smirk or the very cute little frown he sometimes wore when Thor used to especially annoy him. But Thor had to work for that expression. Loki’s expressions were all priceless, but when he wanted to he could be as emotive as a dead fish. It was a shame, with a face like Loki’s one would expect one to take advantage of it. 

Thor felt his heart skittering, but settling. He sat down in front of Loki, still tracing the lines of his face with his eyes. He had always liked the way Loki looked, even when they were kids and Loki had a lot of baby fat clinging to his face. He was deadly cute then, but as Loki had gotten older he’d been all angles and it’s been deadly all the same. Loki was a good person to look at. Loki was… Thor thought Loki was beautiful, really.

A little while later Thor coughed into his elbow quietly, but it was still enough to wake Loki-his eyelids fluttering open and then immediately going to a glare.

‘What the hell, Thor?’

‘What?’

‘Don’t what me! What you!? Are you just getting in? What time is it? Why did you wake me up?’

‘Shhh-calm down. It’s late and I didn’t mean to. I just saw you here on my way to the kitchen. Why are you sleeping out here anyways?’

‘Mom and Dad were fighting in their bedroom.’

‘Then why not go to a guest bedroom? Or the couch in the entertainment room is much more comfortable.’

‘I was going to go back to bed. I just forgot.’ Loki checked his phone and seemed to deflate a little bit. ‘It’s not even late. It’s not even one, Thor.’ He looked up at Thor with those terribly green eyes. ‘Rough night?’ he asked. 

‘Something like that.’

Loki studied his face for a moment in a way that only Loki could do to Thor, in a way that made him feel like a Victorian woman hiking up her dresses, laying herself bare. The moment was something simple-Loki just looking at him-and it was always something simple. Thor was just drunk. Drunk and full of bullshit. 

‘Come on then,’ Loki offered, moving to stand up. ‘Let’s get some food in you, and then I’m going to sleep in my own bed. Those couches are awful.’

‘Mom hates having guests so much she buys furniture that makes sure they’ll never come back.’

‘Mother is a gracious hostess and you know it. But you may also be right.’ 

‘I want cereal.’

‘Really? Your drunk food is cereal?’ Loki switched on a few of the overhead lights in the kitchen, keeping the room dim. Thor opened the fridge. 

‘There’s a lot you don’t know about me,’ he said, all carelessness. 

‘I don’t know anything about you.’

Thor looked at Loki. ‘You know me. You can’t un-know someone. You’ll always know me. Where are the bowls?’

Loki pointed to a set of cupboards to the right of the fridge. ‘That’s nonsense. You’re drunk,’ Loki said.

‘I’m drunk but I’m right. I’m your brother. You can’t not-you don’t get it do you?’

‘What’s to get?’

‘That things don’t go away. All our shared life, years and years of mutual care and memories, it means something, even if you hate me now or whatever.’

Loki opened his mouth in a pretty little ‘o’-he really did have such a nice mouth-before closing it again and scowling up at Thor. ‘You think I hate you?’

‘I mean come on Loki. What am I supposed to think?’ Loki wasn’t meeting his eyes but scowling at some place to the left of Thor’s shoulder. Thor felt himself tremble despite himself.

‘I don’t know, Thor. I might-I might hate you. I don’t know. But Thor-‘ Loki hazarded to look at Thor, and Thor felt his anger bleed away as fast as it had come. Loki’s eyes were pained. ‘I do love you. You’re right. You’re my brother and I-and I love you.’

Thor knew he should say it back. Maybe if he could thing would shift again between them. 

Thor felt clumsy in his own skin, in his own house, in front of his own brother looking at him like he had the moon in hand and had seduced her himself. 

He couldn’t say it right. Not then. 

Loki knew that Thor loved him anyways, knew he cared, always. So Thor smiled and pulled him close, planting a quick kiss on his forehead. They had always been more tactile than anything. When Thor pulled back Loki’s face was drawn, and he left Thor to eat his cereal without saying anything else. 

______

Thor was still at lacrosse practice. It was astonishing they let him keep on the team, but when one’s parent were their parents and Thor was Thor and talent was talent, things tended to be more easily forgiven. Even in the face of tragedy. Thor was now the poster boy for penance and reform and it was making Loki sick, the way that all of Thor’s high school career had made Loki sick. 

Regardless, Loki had a few hours before Thor would be home, and Gertrude was helping the cook in the kitchen, so he snuck to his father’s study and snatched one of the half empty bottles of scotch in the liquor cabinet there. He headed down to the wine cellar, edging around the kitchens where Gertrude was talking in rapid fire German with her protégé. 

Their wine cellar was a tiny thing-just a little hatch and enough space for two-but there were endless bottles well maintained and often used by their parents. Loki and Thor used to climb into the cellar as kids and switch off the lights, huddling close and telling scary stories to the best of their abilities, or sometimes even pretending that the world outside had devolved into some type of post-apocalyptic world they had to bunker down and hide from. 

Now days, Loki liked to go to the wine cellar to get shit-faced. He took his usual spot by the reds and pulled the scotch open carelessly, tossing the bottle stopper on the cement floor.

He wasn’t a big fan of dark liquor-to sweet-but they kept the clear liquor in the bar off the kitchen and he could hardly bother Gertrude to dip into it. His mother was the one that drank clear liquor. Father drank darks and mother drank lights. It was something he shared with his mom, even if she didn’t know it.

It really was astounding though, that Thor was still drinking as well. The other day, when he had come home and Loki had been asleep in the sitting room, Thor had reeked of booze, and his eye was doing the straying thing that it only used to do when Thor was very, very tired. And from the way he spoke-slow and deliberate, careful not to stumble on his words-it was clear he was wasted. Wasted even after a friend had died of alcohol poisoning, among other drugs. You’d figure that Thor would exercise more caution.

But no, not Thor. Because Thor himself was infallible. Those around him might fall to ruin, but Thor was untouchable. Thor could get as drunk as he wanted, take all the risks in the world and they would all pay off, could commit any atrocity and still come out a shining example of a son and a student and a legacy. Thor was so inexorably charming that fortune itself had fallen for him, would be by his side for the rest of his days.

And Loki-Loki was just the opposite of him in every way.

Loki had what Thor had left to him. A noun without any meaning or substance besides when it was said in tandem with Thor’s. Thor was free to be everything and anything in the world and Loki was only ever worth something when he was Thor’s. And of course Thor didn’t want him anymore. He hadn’t wanted him in years, and he’d made that clear.

Sure, Thor could play the dutiful brother when the odd mood struck him, but they weren’t children anymore where one could easily be shuffled into the arms of another, where they had been close and loving. Thor had grown up and found out the world had a million better things than Loki in it. He saw what the world had to offer and saw how little and ill Loki really was in comparison. Loki couldn’t have competed with anything. He wasn’t any good. He had known that as long as he could remember. There was something wrong with Loki, and now Thor knew it too. The whole fucking world knew it. 

Loki remembered when he was in kindergarten and he watched a television special he probably shouldn’t have. It was all about the bible and demons and possessions, and he had become convinced for months that there must have been a demon that secretly lurked deep somewhere inside of him. Waiting. Biding its time, melding itself with Loki so that Loki couldn’t even tell what was him and what was the infestation, spoiling Loki’s mind and Loki’s love and Loki’s life until one day Loki would wake up and the demon would be all of him. 

It was hard sometimes, to imagine that Loki hadn’t been right, in some capacity. 

Something was not right with Loki. And it would never be. He could go to all the doctors in the world, try all the fucking pills they threw at him, but it would never all sort out and make sense. It would never get better. His life had been happy as a child and now he had to pay the debt, pay for the happiness with his sorrow. And his life would just devolve from there because it made sense. Because that was the way it was. 

When he finished the scotch he tossed it on the floor and reached for a bottle of white. Red always stained his mouth. 

School had been hell. Home had been hell. Thor had been weird. Un-Thor-like. Sad. 

What right did Thor have to be sad!? Sadness belonged to Loki, not to Thor. Everything else belonged to Thor. Let Loki have the pain. 

Thor messed up. What-the-fuck-ever. Everyone else had moved on. Thor should too. Thor and Loki couldn’t both be broken. Loki should do something-he should-but it was almost good. It was almost what Loki wanted: Thor’s attention. When Thor was fighting with him Loki it meant that he had his attention. That he had reduced Thor to a thing and not a person. 

Maybe that’s not right. Maybe-

Loki blinked at the sudden light above his head as the hatch was opened, Gertrude’s face surprised before she scowled and threw the cellar door with a sound loud enough to make Loki flinch. 

‘Mister Loki, you promised me- you said it would not happen again!’ Loki smiled up at Gertrude lazily, offering up the rest of the wine in hand. She sighed and wiped her hands on her on her slacks, making her way down the cellar steps. She snatched and corked the white from Loki, putting it back after a moment of hesitation, as if his parents wouldn’t notice. Afterwards she looked around and saw the scotch bottle that Loki tried to lean in front of. ‘Scotch too? Oh, Loki.’ She stuck out her hand and Loki tried to grab it, but missed. She leaned down and grasped him by the shoulder, hiking him up. He leaned over her tiny frame, wobbly on his feet.

‘Was it expensive stuff?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good. That’ll show ‘em.’

‘They will just blame your brother.’

‘Bastards.’

‘Sure, my boy.’

Going up the stairs was a challenge through which Gertrude exhibited unnatural strength for someone of her size, and eventually Loki was laid out on his mother’s Persian runner and Gertrude was standing over him, in the middle of some long-winded lecture. She called him something he was sure was something derogatory in German, before helping back to his feet. She waited until he got his legs, and then pushed him back down again.

‘Gertrude!’

‘That’s for not listening to me! You are drunk!’

‘I’m sorry!’

‘Will you do it again?’

‘I mean, I’m a teenager, that’s not really fair.’

‘You’re a baby!’ Gertrude squatted down before Loki could protest, her eyes shiny and mouth stern. ‘Mister Loki, getting drunk by yourself is no good. I do not want you getting drunk at all yet. At least not until-‘ she tapped the side of Loki’s head ‘-you get things a little more sorted out. Maybe not even then. I worry.’

Loki dropped his eyes, guilty. ‘I’m sorry Gertrude. I don’t like to worry you. I’ll try not to do it again.’

‘Or at least not to get caught, yes?’

‘Yes.’

‘Come on, up.’

By the time they got to Loki’s room Loki heard the unmistakable sound of the front door’s giant bolt being thrown open and Thor stomping up the steps. Loki was just thankful he was in his room. Gertrude watched him for a second and he collapsed onto the armchair by the window before she smiled-tight and brittle-and closed the door behind herself. 

_______

A few month later Loki was dodging pests out at his parents late fall society dinners.

Loki never knew why their parents dragged them to dinner parties like this. He didn’t even know who’s manor they were at and who’s accomplishment doing what-the-fuck-ever they were celebrating. He only knew that he’d rather be doing anything else besides pretending to be polite because he didn’t have the energy or resource to cause a little chaos. 

He also knew that wherever Thor was, he was probably uncomfortable. He had never gotten used to full black tie at parties like this. He used to use the term ‘show pony’. And then Loki would do something ridiculous like insult a man’s hair plugs or a woman’s bad electrolysis to put Thor at ease and make him laugh, only getting away with it because they’d been so young. 

He also knew if he didn’t shake Tony soon he was going to scream. He had already tried to strike up a conversation three separate times, each more insulting and arrogant than the last. Maybe Loki would look for Thor to save him. They didn’t have to talk, they just had to be able to not fight in a public place. Not that Thor had been doing much of that either. Thor had mostly been avoiding him, sometimes hovering around Loki or coming to his door and inquiring what he was doing but mostly was staying away. Like he was afraid coming to near to Loki would cause him to lose control and grab Loki by the throat.

It was boring. 

By the time Loki had found Thor, Tony had rematerialized by his side as well. For whatever reason, Tony seemed excited to see Thor.

‘Thor! How’ve you been?’

‘Good. How about you? You haven’t been causing too much trouble have you?’

Tony smiled up at Thor in a way that Loki was sure Tony thought was sly. It made Loki want to murder him. Loki edged closer to Thor’s side but Thor seemed not to notice. They were already spaced so awkwardly far apart.

‘I’ve been causing a perfectly acceptable amount of trouble. Just ask Loki.’

Thor turned to look at Loki with something that was close to a wince. Like he still remembered the nasty things they had yelled at each other, or like Thor was in the kitchen and couldn’t tell Loki that he loved him. Thor needed to get over himself. 

‘I don’t have the faintest clue what you get up to,' Loki said blandly. 

‘I know you still hang out with Xavier, and I know he gossips about me. Don’t play coy.’

‘I’m not. When I hear your name I get terribly bored. Can’t remember anything that way.’

‘Who’s Xavier?’ Thor asked, no doubt trying to diffuse the situation. 

‘A friend,’ both Loki and Tony said. They then both looked at each other disbelievingly. Loki crossed his arms and tried to think of something to say to Thor. To get Thor to engage with him. Tony beat him to it. 

‘Speaking of friends, that low-class friend of yours, the senior-‘

Loki tuned Tony out and watched Thor as he listened to Tony, tall and stoic and yet still somehow fucking gentle, even with trash like Tony. When the fuck did they get so close? Was Thor just getting close to anyone that wasn’t Loki? Open to the world but closed and stiff with Loki, because fuck it, that’s just the way it was. Loki wasn’t good enough to even talk to. Thor couldn’t even be around Loki long enough to let Loki pick a fucking fight with him so that for just a fraction of a moment, Loki would be at the center of the world-in Thor’s focus. 

It wasn’t like Thor didn’t need it. 

His whole body was all unrestrained tension lately-all broken disjointed anger that was unspoken and unacted on and that would just eat Thor alive if he let it alone. Thor wasn’t the type to keep his anger quietly. 

They needed each other. Just like when they were kids and they couldn’t even sleep alone and they padded down the hallways and crawled into each other’s beds, facing each other, sharing the pillows. Loki like a duckling following Thor where he went and Thor living for the attention, being nothing short of doting. 

Thor fucking needed him, and he just needed to become aware of it. Somehow. 

Tony was listening now, while Thor was taking. Tony was nothing. He was less than nothing-he was barely a real person, just like Loki. If Thor was going into a downward spiral it was going to be with Loki. Loki reached forward, interrupting their conversation and not caring, hand around Thor’s wrist, tugging him away lightly. He tried to let some of his panic bleed onto his face. ‘Thor, I need to talk to you privately.’ Thor watched his face -actually meeting him for once- and nodded before making his excuses and apologies to Tony and following Loki’s lead to the men’s room. Once Loki made sure they were alone, he let himself shake, let himself breaths come faster, and fell apart enough to make it believable; to rope Thor in. 

Anxiety was always there. Loki just had to feed it a little to make a mess of himself and then there was Thor, a hand clasped to the nape of his neck and face soft like it should always be- eyes to eyes and his words whispery. 

Loki let Thor think he was soothing him through it. That Loki needed every touch that Thor forced gentle and needed every word that Thor cast out to him. That because of Thor he was hanging on, getting stronger, coming back into himself. But not too quickly. Too fast and it wouldn’t be believable. 

Eventually Thor slid his hands away from Loki once again. He watched Loki with furrowed brows.

‘Are you going to be okay? That was… a panic attack, right?’

Loki tried for a watery smile.

‘I’m going to be okay. I just lost it there for a second. There was a lot of people.’ He made the most sincere expression he knew how to make. ‘Thank you for uh, helping me.’ Thor was still fixed on his face. 

‘Yeah. Of course. I hate these events anyways. You know that.’

‘Yeah. I guess I do.’ Thor didn’t make any move to leave the bathroom. Loki cleared his throat. ‘Should we- ah-‘ he gestured to the door. 

‘I guess. I really don’t want to go back. And, you know.’

‘I’ll be fine. Actually….’ Loki raised an eyebrow as if a thought had just occurred to him. ‘How about we swipe some food and champagne and hide out in the balcony? Just get some space from all the people?’ Thor grinned at Loki, and Loki was reminded of a thousand moments just like that one-where Thor had smiled at him sweetly and simply-and Loki’s chest ached. 

‘That sounds amazing, actually. That way we can hide from the Stark kid too. He’s nice, but annoying as fuck.’

‘Thor, he’s not even nice. And anyways, when the hell did the two of you get so close?’

Thor lead him out of the bathroom, a hand to the small of Loki’s back. ‘I’ll tell you about it over a glass of champagne.’ 

The night passed in a blur; Thor convincing the waiter to give them a whole tray of glasses and Loki and Thor downing them quickly before they got caught, and spending the rest of night giddy and drunk. Tense with each other but making small talk about the people in the hall below them, about their appearances and partners and reputations. It was the most of Thor Loki had gotten since their fight, and Loki had no clue what to do with it. By the time they went home, Thor had a small smile on his face that Loki felt all the way down to his toes. Or maybe it was the champagne. 

______

Things changed between Thor and Loki after that night. They started spending more time together-slowly, barely-but more often then not they flounced off after short arguments or after snapping at one each other and licked their wounds in private. Once, they even had another full-fledged fight, like the night that Thor had confronted Loki about what he had done on Thor’s birthday. 

Other days they ate breakfast together and spoke politely. A few times he had even made Thor laugh. Loki had no clue what was going on between them-to which extreme he was supposed to function at. So Loki was functioning as nothing more than a fool when he made his way to Thor’s door and convinced him to talk a walk together in the gardens. And Thor as well, for instantly agreeing. 

The gardens were covered in snow; everything pale and shivering and still, as far as Loki was concerned, lovely. More than that, it was quiet in the way it only was with a good padding of snow in the middle of winter- the only sound the barely there sound of snow on snow. It helped Loki to think better. It focused him in on himself, made him more aware of the things that he still had to work out. 

Thor shivered. Neither of them were dressed for the cold, but especially not Thor, clad in a threadbare long-sleeve with the sleeves to short on his arms. Thor must have been growing lately. None of his clothes seemed to fit right. 

Loki tried not to think too much, and reached out his hand towards Thor’s, and Thor let him. Thor seemed willing to concede a lot, that night. They interlaced their fingers without much thought, and Loki wiggled his cold fingers against Thor’s, and Thor wiggled his back.

They walked without talking, swinging their hands between them. Their mother’s rose bushes, the ones closest to the house that she tended to herself were bending under the weight of the snow. Loki stopped, and reached towards them carefully, brushing away the built up snow, careful with his hand. There were no blooms. He didn’t know why he expected differently. Thor watched Loki brush the bushes clean, one vein after another. Loki could feel Thor’s eyes watching the side of his face. ‘I missed the snow,’ Thor said, quiet and small and barely alive between them.

‘We never get too terribly much of it.’

Thor tightened his grip on Loki’s fingers and tugged him away from the rose bushes, finally tired of waiting for Loki to finish his thankless work. ‘No,’ he said. ‘But it’s always beautiful when it does arrive.’

‘Yeah.’ Loki let Thor guide them forwards again. ‘Well no. This is bullshit. The weather? Really? Who are we, Mother and Aunt Cara?’ 

Thor laughed. ‘Shit Loki. I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I haven’t for a while and you know it.’

‘Then try harder.’

They walked on, taking a turn past the greenhouse. When they were little it was Loki’s favorite hiding spot; him slotting himself between the rows and rows of the warm exotic plants their mother tended to so carefully. Whenever Thor would find him they would arrange the plants just so and play jungle explorer. 

He wanted to tell Thor he remembered him. Remembered that Thor had cared about him and doted on him and that he was the best big brother in the world. Instead, tomorrow he would hit Thor in the side of the head hard enough to make his ears ring. 

‘It’s not a matter of trying, Loki. It’s a matter of if you’re receptive.’ 

‘Have I ever been anything but?’ 

The night really was beautiful. Thor was actually right about that. With the snow on top of everything Loki could make-believe that the world was covering its ears. That Loki could speak with candor to Thor and no one would know. Any breath he took that night was free.

Thor snorted. ‘Oh, Loki,’ he said. ‘I’ve never met someone more resistant to me and my concerns than you.’

‘Maybe because I’m not meant to concern you.’

‘You do anyways.’

‘I don’t mean to.’

Thor was quiet for a long moment before he finally spoke again, waiting long enough that the greenhouse was no longer in sight. Their mother had always taught them to speak with purpose. ‘I believe that you have a motive other than me for your behaviors that cause me worry, but Loki, can you really tell me that you don’t like it when I worry after you?’

It was Loki’s turn to fall silent. His instinct was to rip his hand out of Thor’s. 

‘No,’ he said, chin up, defiant. Thor blinked. ‘I like you to worry about me. It makes it clear that you care about me.’

‘Was that ever in question?’

‘You’re serious?’

‘Are you?’

When Loki didn’t respond Thor sighed and turned them around until they were facing each other. It had started to snow again, and the snow stuck to Thor’s hair minutely before it melted away.

‘Loki, you’re my brother.’

Loki really did try to tug his hand back then.

‘That doesn’t mean you care about me!’

Thor tugged back, pulling Loki closer until Loki could see Thor’s eyelashes catching snowflakes too. ‘Loki, being brothers-it means a lot. You-‘ Thor cut himself off, but then shook his head and started again. ‘You do, you know. You mean a lot.’ Loki closed his eyes shut tight before opening them again and looking at Thor, searching each eye, back and forth for a hint of deception. Looking for something that Loki wasn’t sure that Thor would give away if it was true. 

Maybe this was Thor being open. Maybe Loki had to reciprocate to tell. 

Loki felt like he forgot how, but maybe opening himself up felt just the way he did: like holding Thor’s hand in the middle of the snowy gardens, the world muted and quiet and Thor’s gaze soft and earnest. Maybe it was a start. Maybe Loki could reach out and meet him, or at least let Thor fall into him. 

‘I love you, Thor.’

Thor grinned. ‘Who sounds like mother now?’ he asked. When Loki smiled back the chap on his bottom lip split it open. 

‘We both do. It’s the curse of the affluent.’

‘I can think of worse curses.’

‘Oh, and I’m sure you are suffering from many.’ 

They turned to continue their trek into the gardens. Loki didn’t know how to talk to Thor either. He supposed Thor was right in that they would just have to try and get there and hope they both landed next to each other, fluent in every nuisance of the other. 

‘I can think of a few,’ Thor said. ‘Let’s see, there’s boils and warts and oh, what time of day is it? I turn into a terrible beast at the stroke of midnight each night only to be trapped back into my mortal body come daylight.’

‘And it is a hideous vessel, you fucking dork.’

Thor thrust a hand onto his chest as if winded and in pain. ‘Alas, my body is weary and my heart is heavy. Carry it for me, fair boy, Loki.’

‘I’m going to tell all your friends what a loser you are.’

It was Thor’s turn to laugh and the sound was warm and deep and stunning. Loki had missed Thor’s laugh more than he’d know. Thor sounded good when he laughed. He sounded earthy and flesh and blood and it sent Loki’s toes curling in his socks. 

‘I should have known I couldn’t count on you! Such a sweet face and such cruel words.’

‘You like it.’

‘Like it? I love it.’

‘Little twisted, aren’t you?’

‘I prefer the term bent.’ 

‘Should I be worried?’

Thor’s eyes were full of mirth, looking at Loki out of the sides of his eyes. ‘Massively,’ he said. Loki almost believed him.

They walked longer than they probably should have in the cold, talking inconsequently and joking when it fell quiet, neither ready to let the silence engulf them again, afraid it may never leave. They were children, and they acted like it, and it was good. 

Loki didn’t let go of Thor’s hand until they headed for separate room inside, and even then he lingered, fingers dragging against Thor’s as they parted ways.


	2. Chapter 2

Thor and Loki had hung out twice more. They had also fought twice more.

Their parents decided winter break was the perfect time for family healing and bonding, and that it was best to do it up at the slopes-never mind that Loki hated skiing and Thor was at best indifferent. So it was begrudgingly that they woke up, sharing a room but separate beds, at a ski resort that was both pretentious and pedestrian. Thor blinked awake and rolled over to face Loki, who was already awake and staring at him. Thor wasn’t sure if Loki wanted to start another fight or not. He hoped not. He hoped they wouldn’t fight once this trip, and that they could learn to replace the fighting with something else. 

Not that the fighting wasn’t, in a way, thrilling. Not that it didn’t sort of make him feel better sometimes. Like Loki somehow knew what he needed when he needed it. But Thor wanted to be a good brother to Loki- to do right by him. Thor was a good brother once. He just needed to remember how to do that. How to be that.

He had never made the conscious decision to stop being close to Loki, but as they got older and older and things changed, Loki seemed to resent him more and more. Resent Thor and his new friends and his school and hobbies and it seemed, just about everything about Thor. So Thor didn’t push Loki. Maybe that had been the problem. 

Maybe even back then, Loki was struggling and Thor was so caught up in his life changing all around him that he didn’t pick up the signs. Maybe he was so afraid of Loki resenting him he committed a faux pas worth his resentment. 

Loki pointed his toes and raised his arms above his head, groaning as he went. It made Thor smile Loki had grown a lot in a short amount of time and it showed. He was lanky and still not even close to finished growing. Thor himself was still growing. 

Loki’s face was changing as well: high cheekbones and delicate brow bones and a still soft jaw. He had so much left to grow, but Thor knew he’d grow into a beauty. It was impossible to think he’d be anything less. 

Loki threw a puzzled look at him and Thor just grinned, enjoying Loki’s easy mood.

‘You look like a cat.’

Loki settled back down on the bed, flexing his toes as he went. 

‘You look like a great beast, awaiting daylight to turn him into man again.’

‘Is it not daylight?’ Thor asked. Loki shook his head, hair dragging across the pillow. Thor craned his neck to peer out the window and found that Loki was right. It was morning but not yet light. Thor loved the time of day, usually using it to run or just to sit with a cup of coffee with an open window and watch the colors of the sunrise and be grateful he was alive. Like Volstagg wasn’t. Like Loki almost wasn’t. 

Loki made an interesting sound with a second stretch that regained Thor’s attention in its entirety. He looked good sleepy and open like this. One cheek was fuller than the other from him sleeping on his side. It was endearing. 

‘Why’d you wake me so early?’ Loki asked. 

‘I thought you woke first?’

‘Because you were flopping around like a beach whale.’

‘Do beached whales have much mobility? Because I’d think then they’d more easy get back to the water, you know?’

‘I was calling you fat.’

‘Well I’m certainly not fat. That’s just rude.’

‘Fine I was calling you- I don’t know. Something. I’m too tired to think of an insult.’

‘Maybe you’re just not as vicious as you pretend to be. In fact, should I call Stark? You guys can have a sleep over now that you’re all soft and whatever.’ 

Loki rolled his eyes and didn’t say anything else, just set Thor with a massively unimpressed look. Loki really was vicious though. There was a part of Loki that was cruel, that created chaos because that’s how he best survived, because it pleased him. And he’d do it headless of other people’s feelings. Loki’s world was always eclipsed everybody else’s, in his mind. The worst part was that Thor was okay with it. Had been always, as long as Loki was happy. 

How far could Loki push him before things wouldn’t be okay? There had to be limits. 

Loki’s eyes flickered over Thor’s face before he suddenly pushed up off the bed, smiling at Thor. His hair was starting to grow out. It suited him. 

‘Coffee?’ Loki asked.

Thor groaned and rubbed his face into the pillow. ‘Coffee sounds amazing.’ Thor and Loki had gotten in the habit of stopping into a shop on the outskirts of the city before school and picking up some coffee, and finishing them together the rest of their drive to their school, talking idly and trying to wake themselves up through the dark winter mornings. Through the bone deep exhaustion that hadn’t left Thor since Loki. Since Volstagg. 

Loki crawled across his bed and towards Thor, reaching for the phone on the nightstand between them. ‘I’ll order,’ he said. ‘What do you want for breakfast?’

‘Pancakes.’

‘Okay, so ten silver dollar pancaked and two cups of coffee, americano, quad shot?’

‘Sounds perfect.’

After he ordered Loki reached for the remote and they waited, stray comments on the new and little else to say, still half asleep and both lazy. Thor had missed just spending time with Loki and the quiet morning was a balm to all that ached between them. Coexisting was harder than it should be, for brothers, but it was wonderful when it happened. 

Loki unfolded himself from the bed and slithered to the door to grab their breakfast without any prompting on Thor’s part, and carefully laid the tray across Thor’s lap when he got back. Thor was sure it was a good omen for the trip. 

 

A few days passed peacefully between them, even if Loki was prone to sudden bouts of melancholy and sulking away in odd corners of the resort while Thor felt obligated to hit the slopes with his dad so that Loki and Thor were, in reality, spending very little time together. 

Still, they had each morning and each night, and that was enough for Thor. Thor remembered when they would have full-blown sleepovers as children, sleeping bags and all, telling stories long into the night underneath sloppily pinned sheets, Loki’s face getting sleepier and sleepier as the night wore on. 

Loki had been so precious to Thor when they were children. He wished Loki believed him when he said that he never stopped being dear to him. 

While the nights before had passed amicably before, that night was different. Loki was trying to get under his skin, and it was working. However, Thor restrained himself from rising to the bait and going for the throat, preferably literally. It only served to further whatever bad mood Loki was in.

Loki was sitting on the floor below his bed, hair pulled back into a barely there ponytail and with his face tight and pinched. The neck of his tee shirt was worn and wide enough that Thor could look right down to the angry flush going down his chest. 

Thor shook his head and focused harder on the TV and less on Loki. 

‘Did you fuck that girl that was hitting on you earlier?’

Thor’s eye twitched, but he kept his eyes fastened on the screen. 

‘Don’t be vulgar.’

‘Sorry.’ Thor could almost hear Loki rolling his eyes. ‘Did you make love to the girl that was hitting on you in the hot tub?’

Thor could brag. Lie and say he slept with her even though he hadn’t more than made out with her before going to check back on Loki. He really, really, didn’t want to. 

‘We made out, why do you care?’

‘I don’t.’

‘Okay.’

‘I just-‘Loki turned around, twisted at the waist and looking up at Thor from the floor. His eyes looked huge like that. ‘I just don’t get why you would ditch me to hand out with her but not even fuck her.’

‘I didn’t ditch you! You left the hot tub!’

The look on Loki’s face was scathing. ‘Only because you two were all over each other!’ Loki said. 

‘We were not! I only was into her after you left!’

‘Oh, so you were into her!?’

‘Why does it matter?’

‘I told you why! You-you ditched me.’

‘Did not!’ 

‘Yes you did!’

‘You’re delusional!’ 

‘You’re-‘Loki hesitated for a split second before he snarled and leapt forward onto the bed, grabbing Thor by the shoulders, pinning him down. Thor stopped breathing when Loki brought his face close. He hovered over Thor, teeth bared and eyes wild. ‘You’re an ass.’

‘Yeah.’ Thor knew what he said was stupid. He just wasn’t sure exactly what he said.

Loki pulled closer, hovering over Thor’s body. ‘Yeah?’ he asked. ‘Is that all you have to say?’ 

‘I’m-Loki, I don’t know why you’re so mad. It doesn’t make sense to me. You don’t-‘ Thor cut off at Loki dropping forward on Thor’s chest-all dead weight. Thor moved his hands to Loki’s waist before he thought better of it. Loki was so tiny there that Thor’s hands almost met. 

Loki buried his head into Thor’s neck. When Thor spoke, it was breathy:

‘You don’t make sense.’

‘I never do.’ Thor could feel Loki’s lips move when he talked. 

‘No,’ Thor agreed, unsure of what he was agreeing to. They laid there for a few moments in which Thor caught his breath, tried not to move his fingers clutched at Loki’s side, and Loki huffed into his skin, damp and soft. Thor shuddered, and Loki rolled forward without moving from his spot on top of Thor’s chest, legs over Thor’s waist. He rolled again, and Thor felt heat low down in his belly, rushing to his fingertips and toes. He let Loki rock, again and again and again, his ass brushing Thor’s crotch on each movement, bringing things to life that were better left unsaid. 

The heat Thor felt was familiar-he had even felt it with the girl, Rachel, earlier-but it was different for so many fucking reasons, including that his brother was beautiful and clever and including that his brother was his brother and currently panting into his skin.

Thor tightened his fingers around Loki’s waist and told himself he was going to pull him off on the next thrust, then the next, then the next. In reality all Thor did was grip Loki tighter, bruising even, and curl his toes in his socks. 

Thor only remembered himself when a matching hard length pressed into his belly, and Loki let out a broken sound. By then, Thor feared it was already too late. He was already flushed, and his chest heaving, and Loki was looking at him with a sweet color and a sweet expression. It was good. Too good.

He excused himself and ran out of their room.

 

\------

Things with Loki were not awkward. Loki would not let them be awkward. 

Still, they did not talk about anything. About what they did and what they almost did and about Thor fleeing and eventually slinking back into their room and passing out, reeking like liquor and woman. They did not talk about it, although they talked more and more about other things, Thor opting not to fight when he could avoid it, could center himself enough to see Loki as his little brother with his own issues, angry and hissing, lashing out at everyone. 

Loki hated it. Thor hated it, when he could remember Loki’s sounds and his face when Thor pulled him off of him, mouth wet and eyes glazed. 

Loki was his little brother, and what they did-it was just experimentation. Something usual between teenaged boys. It could have been anybody, and the fact that it was Loki, who was dearer to him than anyone-who was smart and fun and beautiful-didn’t matter. Because it couldn’t. 

And that was okay. It was okay when Loki flipped him off and slammed his door and when Loki tugged him by the arm with a bag of chip and a bottle of soda under his arms. It was fine when Loki talked about life, both shared and speculative, and when they studied silently together, and Loki would push his hair behind ear, showing the long line of his neck. 

They were spending more time together than they had in years, and it was so precious. So of course, Thor didn’t have any perverse responses to his brother. He couldn’t. 

So, his time with his brother was not tinged with guilt-with longing that may have been festering in him for who knows how long-but filled with light hearts and the freeness of youth. 

That day, Loki was waiting for him at the bottom of his school steps, hand on the straps of his bag and bouncing on his toes, still in uniform. Thor couldn’t help smiling and rushing to him. 

‘Loki! What are you doing here!?’

Loki’s grin, like all of Loki’s grins, was killer. 

‘I thought today you and me could go down to the gas station, take the car Jesus is driving together, pick up some food and drive home together like we drive to school together.’

‘I’d be up for that! I don’t have any plans for tonight, so it’s perfect. Why do you want to go to the gas station?’

‘Because I’ve never been to one before. I thought when we got home we could have a junk food picnic.’

Thor reached forward to tuck a loose strand of Loki’s dark hair behind his ear. ‘Do you even like junk food?’

‘How can I know if I like it if I’ve barely tried it?’

‘Fair enough.’ 

Thor followed Loki into the car waiting for them without any fuss, with something closer to glee, if he had to but a name to it, and drove to the gas station across from the coffee shop they usually stopped at. 

Loki was like a kid when they got into it, blaming his new appetite on his new medicine and fawning over the brightly colored candies and chips. They ended up buying far too much to ever even try all the different brands or get through all the food.

Loki held his hand all the way from the gas station to the back of their town car that Jesus drove to the gardens that he let them off at, and Thor pretended that neither of their palms were sweating, even when their fingers slid in their grasp. 

Loki had Thor wait at a spot on the lawn near their house while he bolted inside to get a blanket from Gertrude and then came back, hands full and made Thor spread the blanket over the well-manicured lawn. They settled in on their stomachs and up on their elbows, Thor pulling the things out of the plastic bags in front of them. Loki went straight for the sugar confections. It was so characteristic, it made Thor grin. 

They ate for a good while, both giddy for a reason neither could pin down, joking and munching and stretched out lazily on the grass. 

Loki looked happy, and that was worth the world to Thor. It was worth everything when Loki looked with at him with his chin rested on his shoulder and a single eyebrow raised, pretty and raunting in all the best ways. 

‘You’re growing up,’ Thor said. 

‘I’m a teenager. I expect I’ll do little else for the next five years.’

‘Yes, but I can see the future now. I can see what you’ll look like.

‘And are my looks so important?’

‘No, but yes. Faces are the easiest way we communicate with each other. Of course it matters what we look like.’

‘Well,’ Loki said wryly. ‘Woe is me.’ 

Thor laughed. ‘Woe is you? You’ll be so handsome ‘Lo.’

Loki laughed in turn, low and unkind in his throat. ‘You’re handsome. I’m just skinny and pale and weird.’

Thor reached out a hand slowly-testing whether it was okay after everything that had happened between them-and rested it on the curve of Loki’s cheek, still full but sure to slim down. 

‘You’re beautiful and quick and silly.’

‘I’m not. I’m serious and awkward and quite literally, a mistake.’

‘And so am I,’ Thor said. ‘Our parents weren’t very careful people, who cares. But you are all I said, and you’re more. You’re only fifteen. At your age I was barely above water. If it’s hard to breathe, it’s only to be expected. You’ll grow into yourself, become all that I see in you, just you wait.’ 

Loki looked down, eyelashes sweeping the tops of his cheeks. ‘It feels like I do nothing but,’ he said.

‘Being a teenager is hard. We’re in an in-between. Life won’t make sense for a long time. We won’t make sense. We’ll have acne and mood swings and be treated like we know less and probably know less: little babies in adult shaped bodies. But we’ll make it out. And anyways, we have a freedom that few can have. We have a youth that is worth everything.’

Loki blinked at him before sagging down, bowed between his shoulder blades and a quirk to his mouth. 

‘Oh Thor,’ he said. ‘You sound so cliché. Don’t you know any words that aren’t words that aren’t borrowed?’

‘Words well-worn have a meaning that’s universal.’

Loki pulled close. ‘We are not universal,’ he said, voice low and brow high. ‘We are Odinsons.’

‘Oh? And now you find self-worth, but only in our family name?’

‘No. In wealth and prestige. In privilege.’

Thor snorted. ‘You are the type to exploit all worth exploiting.’ 

‘Insult, dear brother?’ Loki asked

‘I’d never.’ 

Loki laughed, a timeless thing, and moved to rest his chin on Thor’s chest, resting over his heart. If Thor wanted to look, he could see the pulse fluttering in Loki’s neck, as close as he was. He was sure Loki could feel his slipping heartbeats.

Thor looked up at the sky, searching for something to distract him. 

The day was fair-almost spring with the weather bursting into warmth all around them. The sky was startling blue, with many dimensional clouds drifting quickly across the horizon. If he squinted the cloud cluster above them looked like a rabbit.

‘’Lo, look, a rabbit.’ He pointed out at the shape above them. Loki rolled off of him and onto his back, squinting up at the sky. His arm was still touching Thor’s. 

‘That’s not a rabbit, it’s an octopus.’

‘What!? Are you crazy?’

Loki turned his head and smiled at Thor with a roguish grin. ‘Correct. Just ask Dr. Reynolds.’ Thor rolled his eyes. 

‘I’m under the impression you’re cognizant enough to know a rabbit when you see one. An octopus is-uh-absurd.’

‘Only punk-ass bitches see bunnies, Thor.’

Thor turned his head as well, indulgent smile and hair falling free from his hair band. Loki was still looking at him and met his eyes. Loki really did have great eyes.

‘You talk even more painfully than in clichés.’

Loki drew up his face and mocked Thor in terrible falsetto. Thor nudged him with his elbow.

‘I don’t sound like that.’

‘You do.’

‘I don’t’

‘You do.’

‘I don’t!’ Thor turned on his side, looking down at Loki. He was smiling so gently. ‘You’re a brat.’

‘Oh? And what are you going to do about it?’

‘I could tickle you until you pee your pants, like that onetime you were, like, five.’

Loki sniffed. ‘I still don’t believe that that story’s true.’ 

‘Do you want to test it out?’ Thor crowded into Loki’s space and Loki’s eyes went wide. Thor lifted his arms as if he were going to reach for Loki, to which Loki leapt up and ran in a full sprint, bare foot and with abandon across the lawn in the directions of the gardens. Thor was up and chasing after him before he even thought to-his body instinctual in chasing after Loki. 

Loki looked behind him, as if to check that Thor was following him, and laughed in delight when he realized Thor was gaining on him, pushing the pace even faster. 

Thor didn’t have a clue where Loki was leading them; only saw pristine greens blur out of the corners of his eyes, too focused on Loki running, on Loki’s dark hair catching wind, to focus on anything else. There was a deep seated and childish fear inside of Thor: that he wouldn’t catch up Loki, and that their game would end, and he’d be empty handed-a fear that all children know. 

There was also a rising elation inside of him at the chance to chase after Loki at all. He could only imagine it was matched inside of Loki; the elation at the chance to be chased. 

They ran for what felt like no time at all before Thor caught up to Loki and scooped him up with ease, cradling him close to chest, to his wild heart. Loki was out of breath and pink, panting and pushing his hair out of his face, struggling in Thor’s grasp. 

‘Let me down, you great brute!’ Thor just chuckled low inside his chest and crushed his arms around Loki harder. ‘Fine, you win! You win! Let me down!’

Thor spun them in circle before he finally leaned back and dropped Loki to the ground, bare feet braced against beauty bark. He’d probably get slivers. Loki met his eye and smirked, reaching forward and taking Thor by the hand, leading him further into the gardens. Thor looked around and realized they must have run a great distance to be back in the far corner of the gardens. He followed where Loki lead them, fighting the urge to sweep him up again and having another spin. 

Loki wasn’t just in a good mood that day: he was in a great mood. Thor had hardly seen that side of Loki in ages. He had forgotten that Loki could find, when the moment struck him, the fun in almost everything. That he could make the world brighter and more engaging just by being in it, by smiling at Thor’s jokes and playing chasing games and by tangling his fingers together with Thor’s as they walked. Like things were simple. Like things were beautiful. 

Loki pulled to a stop at the base of a large misshapen tree growing past litter nailed and tied around it, full in a magnificent spring bloom, spores hanging off of branches. Thor knew the tree well. 

Loki dropped his hand and moved forward, reaching out to the pockmarked trunk, the result of endless carvings they had made. He looked over his shoulder at Thor, eyes big and soft and doing something terrible to the inside of Thor’s ribcage. 

‘Our tree,’ Loki said, simply. 

‘It’s still here?’

‘No, it’s a fucking hologram. Of course, it’s still here.’ Loki pulled back from the tree and look at him, humor in his face worn like Thor would remember on the nights he would fold over, aching and alone. ‘So,’ Loki said, voice lilting and light. ‘Should we play pirates? Swordfight or lay in the branches weaving tales or hammer handhold into its skin?’

‘We should sit,’ Thor said, moving to do so at the roots breaching the lawn, at Loki’s feet. 

‘Sit?’

‘Sit. Be still. Enjoy the day.’

Loki moved to join him, leaning back against the trunk of the tree, on a spot just below Thor’s initials. ‘You’re in a weird mood,’ he said. Thor lifted his arm and slung it around Loki’s shoulders, bringing his side into the middle of Thor’s chest. Loki was only stiff for a few seconds before he slumped down and leaned back into Thor. Loki’s hair tickled his face and his shoulder blade was digging into him. But it was fine. More than fine. Evidence that Loki was Loki and alive and calm and choosing to be there with Thor and just be simple for half a day. 

He dropped a stray kiss onto Loki’s crown before he could think better of it. 

\-----

Thor made his way down to kitchen early in the morning, in the time of day where the birds were slowly waking, and the horizon was dark, and Thor, for whatever reason, found himself starving. His parents wouldn’t be up for hours yet on a weekend like it was, and Gertrude wouldn’t be in until later. So he made his way carefully out of his room and down the stair steps towards the kitchen and then paused as he was passing through the sitting room. 

There curled onto the corner of the sofa in a way that couldn’t have been comfortable, was Loki, laptop on his knees and some brightly colored cartoons loud and boisterous from the screen. Loki looked up and blinked. The skin around his eyes looked dark and worn like he hadn’t been to sleep at all.

‘Thor. Come here and watch with me.’ 

Thor moved to sit close beside Loki and Loki turned the screen so that Thor could watch as well. Thor smiled, vaguely remembering the cartoon from early Saturday mornings where they would climb together in Thor’s bed and turn on the TV, excited for their weekly rituals of cartoon and then afternoons spent in the gardens or all across the manor doing whatever they pleased. 

‘How long have you been up?’

Loki shrugged one shoulder. ‘Why are you up?’ he asked. 

‘Hungry, I guess.’

‘When are you not? I’ll make you something in a little bit. I want to keep watching a little longer.’

‘Do you even know how to cook?’

‘I’ve watched Gertrude enough.’

Thor took him at his word and let the silence fall between them again, and watched the screen with Loki, matched his breathing to Loki’s and got as comfortable as one could get on the furniture in the sitting room. It was nostalgic. 

It was quiet and dark except for the screen and its light, illuminating them both and catching on the fine hairs high up on Loki’s face and making his eyes all pupil, all dark like his hair. 

Thor didn’t mind the quiet. He never minded the quiet. His friends were often loud and vibrant people, but his family was well versed in manners and subtleties. He knew how to appreciate the moments for what they were-for the small things like the body heat of his brother and the shared memory sitting on Loki’s knees and the regard that he held dearly in his heart. 

But still-a part of him wanted something more from Loki. Like there was more to be had from him but Thor hadn’t quite figured it out yet. Was working on it. 

For now, this was good. So good. 

Eventually his stomach rumbled, and Loki looked up at him, a wry twist of his mouth, eyes clever even in the dark. He shut his laptop and got up, heading towards the kitchens, and Thor followed. 

‘Pancakes?’ asked Thor. 

Loki shook his head. ‘I know for a fact that mom has half a German chocolate cake left over from a luncheon party earlier in the week. The trick is finding where Gertrude hid it.’ 

Thor and Loki each took a fridge, meticulously going through each shelf, through a week’s worth of prepared meals and countless heads of fresh produce until finally, Loki pulled out a plate wrapped in aluminum foil from the vegetable crisper triumphantly. He set it at the breakfast bar and carefully unwrapped it while Thor pulled out two dessert forks for them. 

By the time the cake was half demolished, the overhead lights to the kitchen flicked on. Standing by the service door with her bag over her shoulder and an impressive scowl on her face, was the tiny figure of Gertrude. 

Thor looked to Loki and Loki looked back, his mouth curving into a smile. He reached forward and wiped at the side of Thor’s mouth with his sleeve.

‘It is not even five in the morning and you are eating Julie’s cake like little monsters!?’

‘Oh,’ Loki said, turning to Gertrude and smiling sweetly. ‘Julie made it? No wonder. It’s not nearly as good as yours.’

‘I see your trick Mister Loki.’

‘No trick Gertrude. Just honesty.’ Thor nodded along, not quite sure what to say, if anything. It wasn’t as if Gertrude could punish them. As if they were at an age where they could still be punished. But a Gertrude in a bad mood was no fun for anyone. ‘Besides, we were hungry and we don’t know how to cook for ourselves-‘

‘I’ve taught you how to cook!’

‘Yes, well. Yes. Well. How’s your morning going?’

Gertrude sighed as if she was so very weary of Loki’s behavior, but Thor caught a small grin at the corners of her mouth. ‘Let me at least make you boys something substantial. We will eat together, like old times.’ 

Loki’s grin bloomed into something sincere and warm. He slid off the stool and took Gertrude’s bag for her and then, in a whirlwind of Loki, began talking light and brightly in a way he only ever really managed with Gertrude. As Thor watched, Gertrude became loose and teasing and worked around Loki and the kitchen fluidly, like the years had never passed, like Loki and Thor were in elementary school and they had woken up early for breakfast with Gertrude.

Gertrude bossed Loki around to help her around the kitchen, having him get the ingredients and take things to the sink, and smiled the entire time that Loki was talking at her.

‘Thor,’ she said, eventually. ‘What do you plan on doing? Just watching?’

‘No ma’am.’

‘Get up and get the plates. Also, there’s orange juice in the fridge.’

Loki sent him a teasing smile over his shoulder, going back to holding the serving plate for Gertrude as she served up perfectly fluffy omelets, like only Gertrude always could. Thor smiled back, even if Loki couldn’t see it, unbidden. 

Thor set the table and Gertrude finished the food and Loki put away the mess, and then they all settled on the breakfast bar like countless times before, Loki in the middle. 

The food, as all of Gertrude’s cooking, was amazing. Loki barely touched his. 

 

It was the mouth of summer and Loki had kicked their father out of his own bedroom. Their dad had been sleeping in one of the guest rooms for almost a week now. Loki hadn’t left their parents bedroom in two days.

Another loud thump and a round of high piercing shouts came from inside the bedroom that had Thor and his father exchanging looks outside the door where they had both stopped in front of. Thor swallowed, and he was sure his dad could hear it, throat clicking hard. 

‘Mom said he was fine. That she could deal with it.’

His dad nodded. 

‘I’m just worried. If he gets violent-‘

‘He wouldn’t get violent! Not with mom.’

His dad peered at him with his single eye, long and searching. Thor had to force himself to look away.

 

Eventually, Loki settled after a house call to his psychiatrist and a good couple days of their mother checking in on him and tending to him. Thor was so incredibly grateful for his mother, for her grace and kindness that never seemed to waver the past few weeks, in the face of crisis. He was grateful that she could do something when he didn’t know what to do. And he didn’t.

The most he had done for Loki during his episode was get into a petty schoolyard fight for him in the face of some unkind rumors about his absence. The medical bills were sent by way of lawyer. His father was still furious with him. 

Loki still barely left his room, and because it was summer break Loki had few obligations to pull him out of bed, or even to distract himself from whatever it was that was that was going on in his brain. That worried Thor. He didn’t want things to be like last year all over again. It would be Thor’s birthday again soon, and Loki had re-reclused himself in the same fashion as leading up to Thor’s birthday. 

He knew that Loki had a Diagnosis now, and medicine and doctors and a great big fucking support system, but it did little to alleviate his anxiety. 

Last year, and even the year before, Thor had tried to give Loki his space. He was now convinced it had been the wrong thing to do, to a certain extent. He had to wonder if Loki saw a respectful distance as an abandonment, as Thor leaving him. Thor had to wonder if he had made Loki worse, if just a little bit. 

So, he snuck down to kitchens in search of Gertrude and her unfailing devotion to Loki in hopes she would help make something decadent and just to Loki’s tastes. 

Gertrude was in the kitchen and characteristically unenthused to see him, to which Thor would never quite understand, but nevertheless listened to him chatter on while she rolled out some dough for a crunchy type of pastry Loki was especially fond of. 

When she put them in the oven on the upper rack she closed the door slowly, resting her hand on one of the ovens and looking hard at the wall.

‘Thor,’ she said, voice thick through her accent. ‘Your brother is a good boy, but he has demons. You are a good boy too, but…’

‘But?’

Gertrude shook her head. ‘But nothing. You are a good boy. Just make sure that you do right by your brother. He loves you very much, you know.’

‘I know. I- me too.’

Gertrude turned around and looked at him from under her brows, chin tucked into her neck.

‘Yes. I know. Take them out in fifteen more minutes. Let them cool.’ She took a slender hand and clasped it on Thor’s shoulder, looking up at him. Thor remembered when it was the other way around: when he would look up at Gertrude while she would tote Loki around on her hip and he would trail after them, willing away the afternoons, just the three of them countlessly. 

Gertrude had always seemed wise. Seemed strong and knowing. And now she was looking at Thor like she knew things about Thor that Thor wished were never alive inside of him and was grieving for him. Not accusing. Just sad. 

In reality, there was no way she knew the extent of things, but she probably knew enough. Thor’s guilt, about everything, was painted everywhere. 

Gertrude smiled sadly and slid her hand off his shoulder and reached up to pat his cheek. ‘A good boy,’ she said, old and rumpled like something weather-born and bared but still coming out strong nonetheless. Thor stupidly felt his throat go tight. 

She turned and left the kitchen, but not before shouting over her shoulder: ‘No peeking! You’ll make them go flat!’ 

And then Thor was left alone, trying to clear his throat of something that wasn’t even material and sweating from the combined heat of the summer and the ovens. 

 

After letting the pastries cool, just for a minute, Thor pulled down some napkins and did his best to wrap them with his fanciest folds, which is to say not very fancy, and made his way up to Loki’s room. On the stairs he experienced trepidation. In front of Loki’s door, it was outright fear. He steeled himself and knocked on the door before reaching for the door knob and cracking open the door. 

Loki was on his elbows in his bed, looking straight at him. Thor couldn’t get a read on his besides a obvious exhaustion that Loki wore with every line of his body. Loki blinked, skin folding around his eyes. 

‘Hey,’ he creaked. 

‘Hey.’ Thor shouldered the door, moving a pastry to each hand and stepping into Loki’s bedroom hesitantly. It was a mess. He must not have been letting housekeeping in. 

Loki perked up when he saw, or perhaps smelled, that Thor had something for him. Thor smiled. 

‘Me and Gertrude made you those things you like, if you’re interested.’

‘On my sedatives, if it’s food, I’m interested.’

Loki sat up on the end of his bed and after a moment of hesitation, Thor folded himself down on the floor below him. He held out one of the napkin bundles that was supposed to be a swan. When Loki unfolded it his face bloomed into a little smile that filled Thor with satisfaction, like he had done something right for once. 

‘Gertrude was the one that made these, right?’ 

Thor laughed. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘It was all her. I just sat around and talked her ear off.’

‘Sounds about right. Uh- ‘Loki gestured vaguely. ‘-Thanks, Thor.’

‘Don’t thank me yet. Let’s see if they’re any good first.’

‘Shut up. If Gertrude made them then they’re fucking great.’

‘Prove it.’

Loki lifted his dessert and took a huge bite. Thor watched his face closely and could pinpoint the exact moment when Loki actually registered the taste, his eyes flicking up and head dropping back just slightly, and Thor had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. He took that as the go ahead to eat his share. 

They ate quietly, but Thor didn’t mind it. He didn’t mind sitting on Loki’s floor even though he had dirty clothes strewn across it and old takeout that Loki got from god only knows where and didn’t mind that Loki’s face and hair was greasy like he hadn’t showered that day. He was still beautiful, still Loki, still with him, still okay, still alive.

Loki sighed and dropped back on his bed, turning his head to Thor. Thor blinked back and tried to think of something to say. The other day when they had their picnic it had been so easy to talk to Loki. Anything seemed appropriate. Loki made him feel like everything he said was interesting and clever and now Thor was sure anything out of his mouth would be intrusive and clumsy. 

Loki’s face scrunched up and he turned his head, looking away, like Thor had just said one of the clumsy things inside his head.

Thor reached out and snagged one of Loki’s hands. Loki went stiff. Thor ignored it. 

‘Well?’ Loki asked. 

‘Well what?’

Loki mumbled something Thor couldn’t hear, so Thor shuffled over until he was kneeling next to the bed, playing with Loki’s fingers and leaning close. 

‘What was that ‘Lo?’

‘What did you want? What did you come in here to say?’

Thor furrowed his brow. ‘I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted…’ to let Loki know he was there for him. That he cared about him. That he would be there, always, no matter what. 

‘Just wanted to fuck me.’

‘What?’

‘Thor, you want to-‘

‘No!’ Thor jerked his hands back. Looked at Loki, searched his face, one eye after the other. Jerked back from the bed and stood up. ‘What the fuck Loki!?’

‘What the fuck Loki? What the fuck Thor? I’m not the one that-well, I don’t-‘

‘No!’

‘Don’t you ‘no’ me! You’re the more fucked up one!’

‘I don’t want to fuck you!’

‘Yes, you do!’

Thor covered his face with his hands and groaned loud and deep and long. It was more like a scream. He rested his weight on the wall behind him. He hadn’t even realized he’d been backing up from Loki’s bed.

‘I don’t. I don’t even know why you would say something so horrible about me. Think so little of me-you must be joking-‘

‘It’s not about thinking little of you. I’m pretty sure it’s not about thinking at all. I’m pretty sure-‘

‘No! Stop!’ Thor shouted, frantic. Loki scowled and pushed off the bed, slinking towards Thor. Thor’s legs trembled when they realized that they had nowhere left to go. ‘Loki! What the fuck is wrong with you!?’

‘What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re the-the perverted one!’

Thor ripped his hand away from his face. 

‘Don’t you dare,’ he said. 

‘Why? It’s true!’ 

‘Because it’s not,’ Thor said, strangled, pleading. ‘And because what you’re accusing me of-you’re right-it’s wrong. So don’t. Just don’t.’

The fight went out of Loki, and he just looked back at Thor, tired again. Something was taunt and terrible between them and Thor wished for neither of them to ever speak again. Maybe if they just existed as they did as very small children: climbing on each other and holding each other and laughing and shrieking and never, ever, talking, things would be right between them. Then Loki wouldn’t accuse him of such terrible things. Then there wouldn’t be anything to be accused of. 

Loki was never one to leave terrible things alone. 

He reached out to Thor, tremor barely there, and grabbed onto the ends of Thor where it was loose from his ponytail, framing his face. Loki tugged lightly and then pulled his eyes up until they met Thor’s 

‘You-you want me. Why else would you waste so much time on me? It’s fucking obvious and you’re slobbering all over me.’ 

Thor reached forward and grabbed Loki by the neck of his tee shirt before thinking better of it and releasing him, flexing as he went and trying to calm himself-trying to breathe past whatever block was in his chest. Then the meaning of Loki’s words started to sink in.

‘You think,’ Thor said. ‘That I only spend time with you because you think I want to fuck you!? Jesus Christ Loki that’s fucked up in a million different-oh fuck. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me!?’ Thor hung his head. Tried to think of the past year together in Loki’s context. Tried not to cry. 

‘Loki,’ he croaked, still too scared to touch him, to even look at him. ‘Loki, you’re my brother. I care about you. Always. Like a brother does. Always. I know I don’t say it enough. I know. But I do. I do. And I don’t care about you or spend time with you or do anything because I want to fuck you. I promise.’ Thor forced himself to look up only to find Loki wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at the floor between them, eyes glassy and blinking quickly.

It was Thor’s turn to reach out to Loki, touching his hand softly, holding it loosely until Loki looked up. ‘You mean so much more to me than whatever you’re thinking. We’ve spent almost sixteen years together as brothers. Nothing will change that.’ 

Loki sneered and pulled his hand away.

‘You should have just fucked me and been done with it.’

‘Loki!’

‘Fuck off Thor!’

Thor tried to step close only to have Loki push him back. ‘Loki, what did I do?’

‘What didn’t you do? You’re-fuck you. Just leave. Go!’

‘I didn’t do anything! You’re the one accusing me of-of-‘

‘Oh, poor Thor! Wants to fuck his brother but doesn’t want to admit it!’

‘I don’t want to fuck you! Why do you even want to have this argument? Why do you want to talk about this? Maybe you’re the one that wants to fuck me!’

Loki reared back and gave a little gasp. Before Thor knew what was happening, Loki had cocked back a fist and connected it with Thor’s right eye.  
Less than five minutes later Gertrude was rushing through the bedroom door cursing in German and shaking a swifer at the two of them to break them up. Thor tried not to be too disappointed in himself for resorting to by now familiar violence between the two of them. If the look on Gertrude’s face was anything to go by, she was disappointed enough for the both of them. 

\------

Thor’s parents made a valiant effort to celebrate Thor’s birthday as usual. They even offered to let him have a party with his classmates and some other elites in their circle. Thor declined, grinned and bared his formal party, and rested his foot parallel Loki’s during the family dinner to try and ground himself. Loki was not doing well either, but he was trying to hide it. Ruining one birthday was evidently enough for him. 

There wasn’t much Thor could do for Loki. Loki said he was fine, that he just wanted space, or to read, or to sleep, or some other mundane thing that isolated him from Thor and did nothing to relieve Thor’s anxiety about the time of year. 

His friends didn’t pick up on any of his anxieties either, not that they knew what Thor’s birthday was the anniversary of, and insisted on a small get together to celebrate his eighteenth birthday. 

That’s how Thor found himself hosting Fandral, Sif, Hogun, and Steve in one of the entertaining rooms in their house, two bottles of wine, a bottle of grey goose and Malibu all open and freely being poured. Hogun was the only one refusing drink, acting as the DD for the afternoon and hoping to wheel everyone away before Thor’s parents came home that evening. Not that they wouldn’t know they had been drinking, but, tradition was tradition. 

Thor excused himself to find a set of shot glasses he’d seen tucked away in the kitchen. When he got in he was surprised to see Loki, eating something from the fridge, licking at his fingers and stepping back when he saw Thor. His mouth looked like it would be sticky if Thor were to touch it. 

‘What’re you eating?’

‘Baklava. What’re you drinking?’

‘Vodka. Isn’t the baklava for mom’s brunch tomorrow?’

Loki’s mouth curled up in angelic smile, mouth still red and shiny from the honey. ‘Isn’t the vodka for when dad’s feeling sad about having shitty depth perception?’

‘Worst tennis player ever.’

Loki laughed. ‘What are you looking for? I’ll help you find it.’

‘Shot glasses. The Malibu’s too shit to do anything but shoot it.’ Loki hummed and moved to the guest cupboards, and when he didn’t find them, to the guest cupboards, and finally pulled out an old set, taller and narrower than the set Thor had been thinking of, but that would work all the same. 

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Okay. Wait.’ Thor paused, casting a scrutinizing eye over Loki. ‘What do you mean let’s go?’

‘I want to drink with you guys.’

‘You don’t drink!’

‘Well,’ Loki said, putting the hand not holding the shot tray on his hip. ‘I want to start. Besides, I dip into the wine cellar all the time.’

‘You-I get blamed for that you know! Are you even supposed to drink on your medications? Also, you’re fifteen.’

‘Almost sixteen.’

‘That’s nothing.’

‘WebMD says I can drink in moderation.’

Thor rolled his eyes. ‘Well if WebMD says so. Did you mention you were fifteen?’

‘Thor! You drank when you were my age!’

‘Just beer and wine!’

‘Then I’ll just drink beer and wine.’

Thor looked at Loki for a long moment. The truth was that he wanted to drink with Loki. He wanted to do everything with Loki. Loki made everything fun, and he was dying to see what Loki looked like- acted like a little let loose. But he didn’t know if Loki drinking when he just got off an episode was a good idea. 

And Loki was so young. He always forgot, but Loki really was very young.

Loki did the weird thing he did where he widened his eyes while squinting them at the same time and kind of-only kind of-pouted and Thor had to laugh and acquiesce because saying yes to everything Loki asked for might not be right, but it felt right, and really, could he say no?

He followed Loki up the steps and his friends seemed only moderately surprised when Loki came in carrying the shot glasses. Introductions were done in short order, with Loki having met most of them a time or two before. Thor knew for a fact Hogun had a little bit of an irrational fear of Loki for God only knows what. He didn’t need to know. 

Loki did not only drink wine. He poured himself a shot with everyone else and took it with an ease that was downright suspicious. 

It was stiff between everyone for two more shots while they integrated Loki, but it was soon forgotten: Loki had always had a way of charming the socks off people when he tried. The issue was the matter of trying and esteem. But he seemed perfectly happy there with Thor’s friends drinking to Thor’s name and Thor’s health and Thor’s lovely hair, and increasingly silly toasts to celebrate Thor’s birthday. 

Thor was right to assume a drunk Loki would be a fun Loki. He was also a lovely one: eyes dilated and glassy and flush that went all the way down his neck. Thor moved Loki’s hair up into a little pony tail for him from where he was perched above him on the couch. Loki squinted up at him but didn’t slap him away until his hair was tied up. 

‘You two are cute,’ Sif said, talking to Loki and Thor from her armchair. ‘I wish me and my sisters got along like you guys.’ 

Loki and Thor shared a look before snickering quietly. Thor grabbed Loki by the nape of the neck and gave him a little shake. Sif just smiled along, confused. 

‘It’s just,’ Thor said. ‘We have our moments.’

‘And that’s all well say on the matter!’

‘Mysterious,’ Fandral quipped, looking over without much interest. 

‘Not really. Siblings fight. Siblings raised with all the trappings of wealth and entitlement fight doubly so.’

‘So, it’s not just me and my sisters?’

‘Definitely not,’ Thor assured Sif, even if he wasn’t sure he agreed with Loki’s prognosis. But he supposed one couldn’t say that the two of them fought often and viciously to avoiding dealing with deep-seated problems that were alive and urgent under their skin, even a year later. That would sound crazy. It would sound crazier to say that because of the fights, he had a chance to get closer to his brother than they’d been in years, in a way that he was still navigating. 

Loki laughed at something and leaded back into the cradle of Thor’s legs, the group falling back into the momentum of the conversation. 

 

Eventually, Loki needed chips. Thor blamed himself. If he had never agreed to take Loki to the gas station across from their coffee shop in the first place, Loki would have never developed his new penchant for junk food. One of the perks of being wealthy was supposed to be never worrying about what you were eating because it was bought and planned by a nutritionist. And now Loki was in love with hydronated fats. In thirty years, Thor would have to sort through Loki’s heart medicines and drive him to- well no. They would still have people to do that for them. 

Regardless, Loki wanted his Cheetos, Sif wanted Gatorade and Red Bull and Steve and Hogun wanted a pizza, while Fandral just wanted another bottle of wine. So they piled in the car, Loki hiding in the trunk to fit them all, insisting that he would be fine even though the nearest grocery store was at least thirty minutes away by car. Really, they should have just used a driver. 

But everyone else was on board and Thor directed his focus more on not getting dizzy from the last round of shots they had taken before the left. Car ride when one was drunk was a special kind of hell. 

Eventually, after what felt like far more than thirty minutes, they pulled up to a Whole foods and parked with little, but still some, difficulties. 

‘I don’t want to come in,’ Fandral said, all long nasal whining. 

‘Then don’t.’ Sif said. 

‘Rude!’

‘You said you didn’t want to come in!’ 

‘You could at least want me there!’

‘Its fine,’ Thor said. ‘Fandral, you stay, and anyone else that wants to say, and everyone else comes in. Steve and Hogun go to the frozen food isle, and Sif can come with me and Loki and pick her stuff up on check out. We’ll meet back at the car. Easy.’

‘Fine.’

‘Don’t pout,’ Sif said, rolling her eyes. 

‘I’m not. I’m being roguishly brooding.’ 

‘I’m sure that’s not a thing,’ Loki said. Fandral gave him a supremely unimpressed look and Loki backed up from his window, eyebrows raised, heading in the direction of the store. As if following Loki’s cue, everyone spilled out of the car, staggering together and patting their pants down for their wallets. 

‘I hate going grocery shopping,’ Loki said, walking through the sliding doors and looking round and taking stock of haggard people pushing carts and crunchy kids bending over dispensers to turn their own nut butte or doing whatever people did in these types of stores. 

‘You loved it when you were a kid. When Gertrude would do the shopping for her special meals we always went with her and the store she took us to had a little cart that you and I took turns pushing around. She always bought us the special German chocolates with the wafers that you liked at the checkout too.’

Steve and Hogun split from the group, heading over to the frozen food. 

‘You guys are luck,’ Sif said after a beat. ‘My live in was never half as nice to me as yours was to you guys.’

‘Nice to me, at least.’ Loki smiled, slow and teasing at Thor. His mouth which was red from honey was now red from drink. ‘She’s always liked me better than she’s liked Thor.’

‘I don’t know why, but it’s true. I’ve never been anything but perfectly polite to Gertrude too.’

Loki put a hand on Thor’s shoulder and leaned into his space to get closer to Sif and gave an exaggerated whisper: ‘He’s just mad because she’s the one person on earth immune to his charms.’ He leaned back and met Thor’s eye, smiling. ‘It evens the playing field, even if just a little bit.’ That puzzled Thor for a split second, but he was far too drunk, and Loki’s words were far too slurred to consider them further.

‘Hey,’ Loki said, tugging on his hand, which must have somehow slid down from its place on Thor’s shoulder. He pointed to the flowers near the front of the store with his free hand. ‘Let’s buy Mom some flowers!’ 

Sif snorted. Loki turned toward her, indignant. 

‘It’s just, you guys live out of the city. Your mom has acres of gardens, doesn’t she?’

‘And she deserves acres more!’ Thor voiced, loud enough to turn a few heads in the store. He tried to tone it down. 

He walked quickly over to a large potted display and squatted down, eyed it past his spins, and heaved it up in one swift motion, clutching it to his chest. Loki and Sif fell into each other in their laughter. They looked good together. Both with dark hair, light eyes, pretty faces. 

The pot was a little heavier than he was anticipating and it was much larger than the breadth of his chest, but he could definitely make it to checkout. 

‘Sir! Sir! You can’t take that!’ 

Thor blinked and tried to look at the person that decide to stand directly in front of him, where the flowers and a surprising amount of plastic was obstructing his view. HE was always told growing up that eye contact was important. He pushed his face through the plants to better see the person on the other side, and when he did so, he heard Loki laugh harder. 

The pollen was itching his eyes and he snapped a couple stems but he otherwise had a clear view of a short woman with a uniform and a name tag who looked very surprised.

‘You can’t…’ she trailed off. Thor blinked and smiled earnestly. ‘Um.

‘They’re for my mom.’

‘Right.’

‘She’s very nice.’

‘I’m sure, but, ah, you can’t have the display bucket. And um.’

‘Yes?’

‘You want to buy all the flowers?’

‘Of course not. Just the one,’ Thor said, shaking the pot he was holding. He heard waster slosh from inside, which was-weird.

‘Sir, that not- that’s not a single flower. It’s many.’

‘So, a bouquet then?’

‘No,’ the worker said, suddenly looking very irritated. ‘IT’s many bouquets in a display bucket.’

‘Oh. That makes sense.’

 

Thor insisted on buying al the damaged bouquets, which might have been a mistake: Thor was pretty sure he got ripped off. Half of the bouquets they walked away with looked perfectly fine. Sif seemed happy at least. Thor had promised her any flowers she wanted, and she had a happy handful along with her drinks while Loki and him carried out the rest through checkout. 

Loki’s cheeks were still stained from his laughter, and every now and then he would cut a glance at Thor and slip into a small hopeless smile, eyes shining with mirth. It was almost worth all the hassle just to get to see that expression on Loki’s face after such a rocky start to their summer.

Following the cue of an earlier text from Hogun, they waited at the front of the store for him and Steve. Hogun showed up, and a second later so did Steve, his friend Bucky in tow. His friend Bucky who lived all the way in Brooklyn.

‘How-‘

Hogun grunted. ‘Don’t ask. I’m not in the mood.’

He at least had his frozen pizza. There were grass stains on Steve’s jeans, however. 

Loki raised an eyebrow at Thor and Thor raised two back. Loki cackled, precious and mean. Thor loved it when Loki was mean. 

‘Bucky, this is Thor’s brother Loki. Loki this is my friend Bucky.’

‘Ah. Brooklyn two-point-oh. Nice to meet you.’

‘Likewise kiddo.’

Loki narrowed his eyes. ‘That was a jab.’

Bucky grinned at Loki, lopsided and teasing. Loki grinned back, a little ghost of a thing. 

‘So was the Brooklyn thing.’

‘Fine. What should I call you?’ Something about the way that Loki said that made Thor’s stomach clench up unhappily. 

‘So,’ Steve said, clapping his hands together. ‘Loki’s a freshman.’

‘Oof. Guess I really did mean kiddo. Sorry.’

‘What are you sorry about?’ Thor asked, just a touch too aggressive.

‘I’ll be a sophomore this year-‘

‘What? Nothing, I’m not-there’s nothing-‘ Bucky stopped talking and blinked. He pointed. ‘Is that guy naked in his car?’ They turned and followed Bucky’s finger and then they saw it. Fandral sans a single article of clothing in the backseat, beating on the windows trying to get their attention. 

They had left the windows up.

‘Oh God,’ Sif spit. 

‘Did you leave him the keys?’

‘My seats!’ Hogun whined, ignoring Thor’s question. Fandral was like a man possessed, able to see his freedom but not yet within its grasp, hands smudging against the windows and calling out to them. They ran over, and when Hogun finally unlocked the door, Fandral fell out of the car, taking in great gasping breaths. His skin was completely coated and slicked with sweat. There was no way Thor was going to sit in the backseat. Maybe he’d share the trunk with Loki.

 

Later that night, when the liquor had worn off and Thor was half asleep and too warm under his sheets, he heard his door knob turn and creak open, as if in a dream. A weight settled in the bed behind him, forehead between his shoulder blades. He let out a long breath, a breathed clear for the first time in a long while. 


	3. Chapter 3

The summer was going very, very, slowly. It was hot, Thor was bored, and Loki was by turns making him very happy or very upset. That day, Thor was especially bored, and Loki was especially lazy, pointing his toes off the edge of the kitchen counter, making long lines out his legs. The were the only one’s home that day, as it was staff’s day off, and something about it made Thor excited. Loki wasn’t having it, pushing him back with his toes to the middle of Thor chest. 

It was… very graceful. 

Thor grabbed at Loki’s ankle and gave it a tiny tug, just so he was shifted a little on the counter. Loki was predictably disgruntled. 

‘Thor, let me go, you great beast.’

‘Not until you agree to do something with me.’ 

‘I don’t feel like doing anything!'

‘But I’m bored.’

‘I don’t want to do anything.’ 

‘Loki,’ Thor groaned, long and deep. 

‘Thor!’ Thor grimaced and dropped Loki’s ankle, stepping back and giving Loki his space to straighten back up. Loki took in a breath. 

‘What if we just do something lazy?’ Thor asked. 

Loki squinted. ‘Like what?’

‘Pool?’

‘No! I hate pool! I suck!’ 

‘Fine, fine. How about- how about you, me, and a bottle of red?’

‘Thor, it’s noon.’ Thor looked at Loki, a single eyebrow raised and a quick rejoinder in mind, but quickly lost his train of thought. Loki’s hair was well past the nape of his neck by now. It suited him. ‘Great,’ Loki said, sharp as ever. ‘Now all the boozing has given him brain damage.’

Thor crowded close enough that he could see the beginnings of summer freckles spanning across Loki’s nose. Thor smirked, and Thor watched Loki watch his mouth. ‘You don’t need your brain when you have other charms.’

Loki reared back and wrinkled his nose. ‘Ugh. Ew. Are you really eighteen?’ He laughed, just as Thor was hoping; wild and with abandon, cheeks straining and rosy. Thor rested his hand on the nape of Loki’s neck and watched him laugh. Loki pushed him off and slid off the counter, heading for the wine cellars. 

 

Thor had gotten Loki drunk. They were two bottles in and no lunch and Loki was feeling great. Thor was below him on the lawn watching him monologue. Loki had quite forgotten what he was monologuing about. He gesticulated wildly and picked up on that slut Jenny and why Loki hated her. Thor watched, picking grass, propped up on his elbows. Thor looked great in the sun. And in his pajamas. 

Thor was still in his pajamas! He changed the monologue to pajamas before deciding to quit, plopping himself down next to Thor, who just smiled sunnily. 

‘Did you enjoy me?’

‘Oh, Loki, I always enjoy you.’ He raised Loki’s empty wine glass. Loki had swiped their mother’s most expensive set. ‘Here, have another glass.’ 

‘Thor, you have to fill it first.’

‘I was going to!’

‘I’m sure,’ Loki said, reaching over and doing it for himself. He took a sip of the wine, as if he was still tasting, before chugging half the glass. He replaced it on the tray and burrowed into Thor’s side. His skin was a little tacky with sweat against Loki’s own bare skin. He also had wild muscles. How much did he work out?

‘A lot. It’s like meditation with your body.’

‘Is it now? I thought it vanity.’

Loki could feel it when Thor laughed, and he sunk into the feeling of it. ‘Maybe it’s a little my vanity,’ Thor conceded. ‘But it’s not like you don’t work out either.’ 

‘We have a home gym. It’d be a waste not to.’

‘The view is great too-that huge floor to ceiling window-actually, how come we’ve never worked out together before?’

Loki snorted. ‘Because I’m bot a masochist.’ 

Thor dropped lower towards the grass, his shoulders bowing out and one eyebrow climbing on his face. Loki elbowed him, laughed. Once Thor’s faced settled he quickly turned towards pleading.

‘Come on Loki, it’ll be fun! We can just do a nice little run on the treadmills or stepclimers or something.’

‘You just want to spend the whole summer together, don’t you?’

‘Is that so horrible?’

‘It’s not fair to ask me when I’m drunk.’

‘It’s not fair to ask me when I’m drunk.’

‘Are you copying me or accusing me?’

‘Both. You can tell by the nasal tone I affected to sound more like you-‘Loki shoved his shoulder into Thor’s and Thor cut off. Thor pushed him back and Loki toppled over Thor half on top of his chest, hair blindly bright in the sun. Loki reached out and grabbed at the ends of Thor’s hair, to tangle his fingers in it. When he looked back at Thor he was looking at him very intently. 

‘Get up. You’re heavy and drunk.’

Thor collapsed further against him, rubbing his head on Loki’s chest exaggeratedly. It made Loki’s heart pick up. Thor looked like an idiot. 

‘You’d have me get up, after getting me drunk, entertaining me for hours, and then physically assaulting me?’ Thor asked. 

‘Oh please. I’ve done you nothing but favors today. I’m a gracious, kindly, generous-‘

‘Sorry, you must be new. Do you know my bother Loki?’

‘Thor, you ass! I’m a good fucking person!’

Thor blinked up at him from his chest, eyelashes disappearing in the sunlight. He had an indulgent little smile on his face. ‘I know, I know,’ he said. 

Loki sighed and slipped his hand into Thor’s hair, playing with the loose ends of the ponytail. Thor just seemed to get heavier on his chest, settling into him more fully. Loki half expected him to creak and crack like furniture settling into a house, making space for itself. 

He loved Thor. There were a lot of times he felt very strongly in a way that wasn’t positive about Thor but he really did love Thor in a way that Loki couldn’t feel with other people. Thor felt Loki. Felt him truly: felt whatever waspish reedy thing that Loki sieved out to: the entirety of Loki when the school and parents and money and everything else was taken away. Thor was there. 

There was no Loki without Thor, so Thor was the only one that knew Loki entirely. And Loki loved him for it. Hated him for it. 

But he loved him and his blonde hair and the way he used to change his voice when he read to Loki and the way he always let Loki eat the cherries off his desert and the way he looked at Loki when he got drunk and his world narrowed down-just Loki.

‘I’m going to burn.’

‘I’ll shield you,’ Thor said, indignant.

‘You’re useless.’

‘I’m drunk.’

‘Not drunk enough to be so useless.’

‘Babe, let’s go get another bottle.’

‘Did you just call me babe?’

‘You’re crazy. Cellar, now.’

‘You have to get up first, Babe.’

‘Oh, fuck you.’ Thor rolled off with a laugh and he went spread eagle in the grass, wiggling his fingers and toes. He looked like a big hapless puppy and it kind of made Loki want to kick something. He barely remembered to grab the wine glasses before going in-they had no housekeeping today after all. ‘We should convince mom to put in a pool.’

‘Who has a pool in New York? That’s just tacky. Use your inborn superior tastes.’

‘Did you just call me inbred?’

‘No, Thor, I did not call you inbred, because then I would be inbred too. Plus,’ Loki gave Thor a once over. ‘I don’t think you can look like that by being inbred.’ 

‘Was that a complement?’ Thor asked, squatting down and releasing the cellar door. He stood back and let Loki walk down first.

‘Hardly. Pointing out you’re not deformed or with extra toes or something doesn’t mean I’m suddenly nice.’

‘Aw, Loki, you are nice. Don’t believe your bullshit brain.’

‘Thor, I’m only nice insofar as I need to be. It’s bred into me.’

‘Can we stop talking about inbreeding and breeding this and breeding that? It’s weird ‘Lo.’

‘Can we stop pretending you’re dumber and drunker than you are?’

Thor laughed, and Loki could feel it on the back of his neck. ‘I play the dumb blonde so well though.’

‘It’s a cute party trick, I’m sure.’

‘But not cute to you?’

‘It’s just-why? Now how about a white, I’m sure my mouth is all stained from the reds.’

‘It is. White sounds good. Maybe rose.’ Thor ran his hand across the bottles. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Do you remember when we were kids and we’d bunker down here to wait out those zombie apocalypses with our little flashlights and cellphones and granola?’

Loki smiled, large and for both their benefit. ‘I remember. Do you remember the one time we almost tricked ourselves the end of the world actually did happen because Gertrude wasn’t picking up her cell phone? And it turns out she was just- ‘

‘In the bathroom the whole time! Oh my God that was so funny! I really thought we somehow caused the end of the world! You were freaking out too-you even pulled out a clump of hair-‘

‘Only because you kept egging me on! Before you got scared you were trying to scare me and convince me it was the end of the world so of course I got scared-‘

‘I couldn’t help it! You were so cute, all big eyes and jutting lips, shaking in your skin.’

Loki rolled his eyes, plucking a white at random from the shelf and settling on the cellar floor. Thor grabbed one of the corkscrews laying around and joined him. They had just enough space so that their knees bumped each other while facing one another. They kept up the thread of the story for a while, before picking up another, before getting drunker with a change of the hands and pops off the bottle. 

Thor’s pupils were huge in his face, from the cellar and from the low lighting and probably, from the drink. It suited him. 

Their stories got more meandering, more introspective. Until Loki was looking earnestly at Thor’s face and Thor was looking back at Loki like he was waiting for Loki to say something like a lifeline: something free and light to pull him back to shore. They both knew what time of year it almost was. 

Part of Loki thought Thor was good there, on the cellar floor, clinging to Loki’s words and looking at Loki like Loki alone could save him from the eyes of the rest of the world.

‘Do you miss him terribly?’

Thor looked for a second like he was going to get angry, but then he just sagged forward, resting his forehead on Loki’s shoulder. Loki blinked. 

‘I do. But it’s more than that. I miss my friend-but the circumstance of his death is what-it could have been avoided. I feel guilt.’

‘Because you were the DD.’

‘Yeah. I was supposed to be watching out for everyone, and I just kind of let them all down.’

Loki brought a hand to the back of Thor’s head. ‘I can’t say anything to make you feel better. You don’t want me to.’ Thor shook his head against Loki’s shoulder, dragging his nose along his shirt. ‘But your guilt is misplaced, Thor. Try not to be too hard on yourself.’

‘Kettle, pot.’

Loki let Thor rest against him for a little while longer before they said anything more. When Thor spoke it was a creaky, tired thing, ‘It’s not just missing Volstagg or the guilt. It’s you. It could have been you.’

Loki had to stop himself from pushing Thor off of him. 

‘It wasn’t.’

‘It was. In the ICU, tubes coming out of your mouth and arms and nose, waiting for the doctors to tell me you were fine.’

‘Well I’m sorry it was so hard for you.’

‘’Lo sweetheart, don’t be like that. It’s just-if I lost you-‘

‘Then what!? You’ve barely talked to me since I’ve turned thirteen! Can you really tell me you’d be heartbroken, well and truly, if I had actually died? Maybe you would be now, when we-now that we talk. But last year? I don’t think so.’

Thor pushed off Loki and grabbed him by the face, staring hard and close. Loki could feel Thor’s breath on his face and it was sour from all the wine but warm like Thor, like home.

‘Loki, I-I would have cared. For the rest of my goddamn life. Even when we didn’t spend time together, I cared. I cared like crazy. I watched you, like a creepy, crazy person, making sure the person I-I cared for most in the world was okay, and then I was fucked up because I knew you weren’t and I didn’t know what to do-knew that you didn’t want me around. Your signals are loud and clear, always. I was just playing by your rules. And I just-things were different when we got older. Things change.’

Loki blinked furiously, horrified to realize his eyes had filled. ‘Things change? That’s your excuse? What could have possibly changed so much that you would turn your back on me at the first sign of resistance? That’s not the Thor I know. That’s not the brother I know.'

‘Maybe you have to relearn me. Maybe I’m not just your big brother. Maybe you think I’m only one thing and forget I’m actually a person. I fuck up Loki. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can you say the same?’

‘Why should I apologize!? That’s madness!’

‘It was my birthday! I have to think it was personal,’ Thor roared. Spittle hit Loki on his mouth. ‘For the rest of my life I won’t think of my birthday as my birthday; it’ll be Loki’s suicide attempt. If you had died, it’d be the day that Loki died. That’s all I’ll ever, ever think about when mom brings out cake and granddad gives me a card and a handshake and my friends want to go out drinking; you on your bed with vomit on your chin and the blood gone from your lips. My legs collapsing from underneath me, my world fucking ending because I thought: ‘here he is, my most important person, gone from me.’

‘You don’t know what it’s like to lose you. The distance was painful enough, but thinking that you were gone? Loki, I was fucking-just fucking ruined.’ Thor lowered his head and reached out to Loki blindly, grabbing at the back of his neck and pulling him close. Loki was too stunned to stop him. ‘Just, Loki. Why did you do it on my birthday? Be honest.’

Loki tried swallowing. ‘Because,’ he said. ‘Because you’re right. Then you’d have to remember me. You couldn’t just forget about me.’

‘Forget about you?’ Thor’s voice broke. ‘Loki, even if I lived for five thousand years or more, I could never forget you.’

Loki was humiliated to realize the tears in his eyes had spilled over. 

‘Why not? You’re so- you don’t-‘

Thor rested his forehead against Loki’s. When Loki looked into his face he saw that Thor had closed his eyes, so he wiped roughly at his face and closed his eyes too.

‘Loki. I’ll never forget about you. And I promise, I’ll never leave you alone again.’

‘And if you do?’

‘Then feel free to take my inheritance and blow it on drugs and girls and parties.’

‘You would have spent it on that anyways,’ Loki said. Thor laughed in the way that only Thor could laugh and Loki felt himself drawn closer, like everyone else when met with Thor and his immutable and innate charm. There was something good and earnest inside of Thor that spoke to whatever goodness that was left inside of Loki. ‘You better not leave me.’

‘I won’t. Spending time with you again- its been the most fun I’ve had in years, Loki.’

‘I love you.’

Thor moved to hold Loki by the side of his face, looking at him. He leaned forward between them and placed a soft and dry kiss on Loki’s mouth, held it there for a moment in which Loki held his breath, and then pulled away, watching Loki’s eyes. He smiled, slow and curling, and Loki was helpless but to smile back.

They took their time finishing the rest of the bottle, candid and silly in turns, in the way that young people often were. Loki ended up with his legs tangled in Thor’s and both with their faces flushed and hair messy around their faces. Loki thought it suited Thor. Loki thought there was probably very little that didn’t suit Thor. By the time they climbed out of the wine cellar, Thor had a hand on the small of Loki’s back to better guide him through the house, as if he wasn’t just as rumpled, just as flayed open. They snickered into each other’s shoulders, ready for food and an early night. Loki would sleep more self-assured then he had in years, he knew.

______

The summer was dragging on how Loki feared it would: endless days of Thor and his antics and attention. It wasn’t going badly. It was… actually fun. They were having a lot of fun. That night was no exception, both sprawled out on the roof with their picnic blanket and plastic bags full of gas station food once again, and a little bit of their mother’s tequila in their energy drinks. Thor was trying to figure out the difference between asterisms and constellations, with little luck, and was egging on Loki to make up stories of his own. They already had Jenny the Slut, Bret the Bitch, and on Thor’s insistence, Thor the Gentle.

In Thor’s story he was a happy and simple man who didn't know that he was a great and mighty god in a former life. One day he found a godling cast out of the heavens in the form of a baby bird, and not realizing it to be a godling, took it in and cared for it until it was well enough to turn back into its godly form. Upon its transformation, Thor was struck by the realization of his past life in which he was a god, for the godling has been his enemy and his ultimate downfall. But Thor, being the gentle and good man that he was, decided that the past did not matter, and raised the godling like his own until he was old enough to venture off on his own to return to the heavens, Thor hoped, this time around, in a good and just manner. 

Thor, the giant dumbass that he was, loved the story. 

Loki snatched the skittles from Thor’s fist and dug through them, trying to find all the orange. 

‘You have a good voice,’ Thor said, moving to lay on his back. 

‘I’m going through puberty.’ 

Thor snickered. ‘It’s good, really. I like it. You’re a good storyteller. It must have been all those stories would make up as kids. I’ll bet you’ll make a great dad one day; I can imagine you reading to a bunch of little kids come bedtime.’ 

‘How domestic.’

‘Yeah, well.’ Thor didn’t elaborate. Loki moved to lay down next to him, elbows and belly down. Stuffed some more candy into his mouth. Looked at his brother’s face in the dark. Thor looked back and smiled. ‘Come here,’ he said, lifting one arm. Loki turned and laid down in the crook of Thor’s arm, head on his shoulder. Thor wrapped his arm around him loosely, casually. 

The night sky had never captivated Loki. It was nice, but he didn’t especially get Thor’s fondness for it. Thor loved clear nights like he loved dark roast coffee and the feeling of a good workout and when Loki would play along with one of his stupid jokes. It was one of the quirks that made Thor, Thor. A preference of his that meant nothing, could mean something, if you wanted it to. 

Thor stretched his other arm, the one not around Loki, above his head, and pointed his feet in his socks, stretching until Loki heard something in his back pop. When he stretched, Loki could feel all Thor’s different muscles, all defined, moving against him. He cleared his throat.

‘Do you think any aliens are looking at us right now?’

Thor turned his head down to look at Loki, giving Thor a little bit of a double chin past his scruff.

‘Yes, Loki. Out of all seven or eight billion or however many humans and however many planets in the solar system, of all the solar systems in the universe, another intelligent being is looking down on earth, on America, on New York, on you and me, on our rooftop and watching as we literally just lay here. Doing nothing.’

Loki elbowed Thor in the ribs. ‘They could be!’ he protested.

‘Don’t tell me you’re some type of alien conspiracist. Did you have an ‘experience’ ‘Lo?’ Thor widened his eyes. ‘Did you get probed?’

‘It was transformative.’

‘Did they at least buy you dinner first? Have they called you back, or do I need to go beat up a whole alien species?’

‘You shouldn’t even have to ask, you should just do it. They ditched me. I’ll never be married off now Thor. My reputation, shot to hell.’ 

‘No one fingers my brother and gets away with it.’ 

It was silent for a long and awkward moment before Loki burst into laughter, clutching at Thor’s arm and burying his face into Thor’s neck.

‘Oh my God, Thor! What the fuck? You can’t say shit like that! I was probed, not fingered. Jesus!’ 

Thor laughed as well, curling his body around Loki and shaking them both with silent laughter. ‘So sorry,’ he said. ‘I meant to say probed! I did, but it just slipped out! I mean that’s what we were talking about.’

‘No way, There’s a difference.’

‘Aliens are freaks, not my fault.’

‘So your fault.’

Their laughter died down slowly, but Thor stayed up on his side, wrapped around Loki for a moment longer, and Loki slotted himself to Thor’s side. After the day Loki had, a little affection went a long way. Thor shuffled Loki around so that they were still touching, but only at the head and shoulders. ‘Loki,’ Thor started. ‘Do you-are you feeling any better?’

‘It’s not something I can just switch off.’ 

‘That’s not what I meant. I just meant-never mind.’ Thor rolled his eyes. ‘I don’t know what I meant.’

‘No you’re-‘Loki shook his head, face scraping against Thor’s stubble‘-It’s okay. I’m okay.’ Maybe he was. Maybe if Thor could keep holding him, could keep giving him attention and affection like they were kids again, then Loki could be like a kid again-maybe he could be happy again. Maybe right there, in that moment on the manor’s roof, he was a kid, and Thor was his big brother or maybe his best friend, or maybe something else entirely, and maybe he could let go of a fraction of the ache and guilt that was only growing inside of him. Maybe. 

‘Thor, do you remember that one story you’d read to me as a kid? The one with the two bad people that were ugly because they were bad people, and you could see the badness consume them as they got older and meaner and more wrong the older they got?’

‘That was a children’s book.’

‘Yes but-I feel like that. By the time I’m your age, I’ll look like the Twits-busted and vile, warding people off, a warning written all over me.’

Thor flattened his hand below Loki’s chest and pressed down softly, reassuring. 

‘First of all, Loki, the world doesn’t work that way. We both know plenty of shitty people that deserve to be ugly but are very attractive. I've dated many of them. Your outside has no bearing on your inside. 

‘Second, you’re wrong. You’re not bad. I don’t where this all stems from, what it is that makes you think you’re so bad. Everyone has it a little bit, I guess. I have it a little bit. But one day yours ran out of control and I don’t know how to help you push it back. How to convince you it’s not true, because honestly, you can’t be as bad as you think you are. Even if you murdered someone, you wouldn’t be as bad as you seem to think you are. I guess I can only care about you. And I do.’

Loki untangled himself from Thor’s neck, craning back to look him full in the face. He gave Thor a wry smile. ‘You should be a motivational speaker.’

‘Oh my God, you suck.’ Thor laughed and reached out for Loki, missing, Loki already tucking himself back into Thor’s side.

‘Okay, oh wise and mystic Thor who took psych and philosophy last semester, evidently. What’s the meaning of life?’

‘Oh boy. Who knows? Don’t think there is one. Am I supposed to say that to a depressed person?’

‘Make it sparkly.’

‘Uh, well. Life means something when we give it meaning. That means that our purpose can be personal and dear to us, whether our purpose is saving lives or having awesome parties, if it’s our deepest personal wish that gives out lives the most fulfillment and meaning, that fills the little empty hole that all humans have, just a little bit, it's a life worth pursuing.

I mean, life’s all bullshit, but for me, personally, I care about people, and I think other people generally do too. I think other people, from how we are as a species, thrive when we have meaningful social connection and act as part of a successful social structure. That’s what life means to me. Being a part of society on a macro level, and on a micro and more important level, it means you and mom and Sif and Steve, and yes, even Gertrude.’ Loki could feel Thor’s smile. ‘But don’t take me too seriously. None of this matters. What matters is that you’re happy. Find what makes you happy and never let it go.’

‘What if it’s arson and crack cocaine?’

‘I-well I’ve always been awfully indulgent with you, haven’t I?’

Loki laughed, and Thor made sure that Loki knew he was just kidding. Eventually Loki rolled off Thor because he was starting to feel odd and guilty and there was no room inside him for anymore guilt, for anymore unease. 

He knew the brand of guilt. Had know it for long and weary years, low kindling to all the other wrongs that laid inside of him. He couldn’t shake it. Maybe Thor was right. Maybe he should never let it go: take the happy moments that came before the guilt, came because of it. Maybe he would somehow learn to fortify himself and accept the gasoline belly full and ready to be lit up, to consume him from the inside out, roaring with want and love and guilt and a thousand different perverse things.

Maybe that’s who Loki was. Deconstructed, he was an ache, a perversion, a fire, a sorrow that never waned. 

He huddled next to the roofs siding and picked through the junk food, plastic color after plastic color, flicking things off the top of the roof. Thor feel asleep, soft snore barely registering to Loki. 

______

‘Fuck you! You’re so spoiled it’s not even funny!’

Thor threw his hand up in the air, angry and probably exasperated. Loki didn’t care. ‘We’re both spoiled! We’re fucking rich!’

Loki laughed, short and unkind. ‘Yes, but Dad had always doted on you! You’re the chosen one, can’t do shit wrong, the great and mighty Thor!’

‘Mom dotes on you! She’s always bent over backwards to make sure you’re happy! And guess what? You’re still never fucking happy!’

‘Maybe if you weren’t always bulldozing into my life, stealing everyone’s attention, yelling at me-‘

‘I’m the one that yells at you now? That’s real fucking rich! You always start fights!’ Thor roared. 

‘You do! You have the shortest temper I’ve ever seen-‘

‘Because you’re always trying to get on my nerves, you’re pathological-‘

‘What? Big brother can’t show some restraint? You see me and it’s all instinct? Can’t help yourself!?’

‘Damnit Loki! Don’t you-‘

‘Don’t I what?’

‘Don’t be an insufferable bitch for once in your miserable life! You make me miserable! You’re the worst! The literal worst. I can’t stand spending time with-‘

Loki reached behind him and grabbed the first thing he saw, which happened to be some type of misshapen vase, and chucked it at the wall behind Thor. Thor jumped, startled. At least he shut up.

‘Loki, what the fuck!?’

‘Don’t act like you haven’t done worse.’

Thor shook his head, eyes wide enough that Loki was half worried they would pop from his head. ‘It’s not that,’ he said. ‘Do you even know how much mom spent on that vase?’ Loki did not.

 

In Loki’s defense, spending that much on a vase that looked like that, was fucking ridiculous. It was ratchet. 

‘It’s not going to be on amazon, try the dark web.’

‘Do you know how to use the fucking dark web?’ Thor asked, frustrated. 

‘I don’t know, google it.’

‘And get twenty million viruses? I don’t think so.’

‘Well,’ Loki said, craning over Thor’s shoulder to look at his laptop. ‘It’s not going to be on amazon. Check local art galleries.’

‘Pray tell, Loki, do you know any local art galleries?’

‘…Brooklyn.’

‘So just… all of Brooklyn? Like, that’s your input? Thanks so much.’ 

‘No! I mean your friend, Brooklyn! He might know the artist if we show him the signature on the bottom. He’s big into art, right?’

‘...I knew you had a crush on Steve.’

‘I don’t have a crush on Steve! I just though he could be useful!’

‘Yeah but you remembered he was on the art scene.’

‘Shut up. If you say anything, I’ll seriously gut you, I swear to fucking God.’

‘Okay, calling Steve.’

 

‘Now seriously, the woman without teeth, the one talking to the pigeon, she was charming. We’re definitely paying for the atmosphere.’

‘Loki I’m seriously down on my trust. I need you to help me think of an excuse for all the missing money instead of just bitching.’

‘You had an antibiotic resistant strand of gonorrhea and had to go to a discreet clinic to get it cured.’

‘Are you still pissed?’

‘Are you?’

‘Fair enough.’

 

Their mom noticed that the vase was different. She didn’t care. Evidently, she had bought it drunkenly at a charity auction, which seemed like such a Loki thing to do that Thor laughed when she told him. She was only sorry they had replaced it.

That night Loki had Gertrude help him make the soft pretzels that Thor liked and the homemade cheese sauce with sausage that went with it. When Gertrude called Thor down he paused on the service steps, looking at Loki already eating his serving, but still wearing an apron, and at the empty setting next to him.

Thor huffed a breath out of his nose and trampled down the rest of the stairs to sit down, mussing Loki’s hair as he went. Gertrude rolled her eyes and set about cleaning up their mess.

______

A few days later they convinced Gertrude to take them with her for a shopping trip to Grocery Haus. Thor and Loki had hardly gotten out of the house all summer, besides for Loki’s doctor appointments, and the trip was much needed. Thor also couldn’t help but to get sentimental about the Haus that him and Loki had spent so many afternoons walking around in, or pushing each other in carts and begging Gertrude for weird novelty foods. 

The store was smaller than Thor remembered. Loki seemed just as excitable as ever though.

‘At the end, let’s look down the candy isle.’ 

‘I is not buying anymore sugar for you Mister Loki. I have seen that stash you and Mister Thor have for your ‘picnics’.’

Loki grinned at Thor. ‘Maybe I need the sugar. Maybe I’m diabetic.’ 

‘That’s not how diabetes works,’ Thor said.

‘Maybe I have a new type-type three.’

‘For jack-asses?’

‘See it’s all in the name-the ass. To maintain my-‘

Gertrude smacked the back of Loki’s head. ‘Don’t make me regret taking you boys with me.’

‘Sorry Gertrude.’ Loki singsonged. 

Thor smiled at Loki and gave him a quick squeeze around the waist. ‘Yeah, be polite, Loki. No manners.’ 

‘You’re the one who started it.’

‘You’re the one that took it too far, as always.’

‘Can’t keep up?’

‘Can anyone keep up with you?’

‘You do so try.’

Thor laughed and threw his head back. When he did so he caught sight of Gertrude watching them, a little crease between her brows. When she saw Thor was watching her, she looked down at her list and asked Loki to push the cart for her.

They never really had the chance to go grocery shopping growing up, at least not often, and it was kind of fun once Loki got Gertrude to loosen up. They walked the full distance of the store, chatting, filling up the cart carelessly. Thor and Loki each picked out some weirdly branded and brightly packaged sweets on the small isle at the end of the store before going to checkout, more out of nostalgia out of any real desire. Loki tried to pay, much to the ire of Gertrude, who strong armed him out of the way. After checkout, Loki excused himself to the bathroom before they left. Thor and Gertrude stood there awkwardly, cloth grocery bags and an aborted attempt at small talk, before Gertrude finally spoke to him.

‘I is worried about Mister Loki,’ she said. 

‘I am too.’

‘It is so hard for him to be happy.’

Thor paused for a second, thinking about his words carefully. ‘He’s not happy yet, but he’s happier.’ Gertrude pursed her lips, new frown lines stark on her otherwise smooth face. 

‘I know, Thor. But that is part of problem. You are going to college soon. Loki cannot base all of his happiness off of you. Nobodies… well-being should be based on another person, and you are letting him do just that.

Thor felt the blood pool in his belly, hot and uncomfortable and thick. ‘I’m not,’ he said, staring hard at Gertrude’s face, trying to figure out what she meant. ‘I’m not.’

Gertrude gave him a supremely sad look, eyes flicking between Thor’s almost frantically. ‘Oh, Thor. You cannot put this on your brother.’

‘I don’t-‘

‘If you are not careful, you will end up needing him too. It will end up happy for no one.’ Thor’s mouth was still open, but no words came out, shocked and angry. Who was Gertrude, but a servant, to give him vague and condescending advice, like she cared more about Loki, like she knew what was best for Loki, like she knew anything about Thor-

‘I’m sorry Gertrude.’ Thor forced a smile. ‘But I’m afraid you’ve lost me. What are you trying to say?’

‘Thor, you two-I have no-‘ she shook her head, a prematurely salt and pepper piece of hair falling out of its braid. ‘I have worked for your family a very long time. I have watched you two grow up. It is a very dear wish of mine to see you both grow up healthy and happy. And I do not think that can happen when-‘

‘What can happen?’ Loki interrupted, coming around the corner, wiping his hands on his jeans. 

‘Pretzels,’ Gertrude said, swerve so quick that it made Thor dizzy. ‘For a second time this week.’

Loki wrinkled his nose. ‘I agree. Let’s eat something good tonight. Filling.’

Thor’s blood was still buzzing-alive and pounding inside of him. A part of him he didn’t want to admit was there wanted to take Loki and run, to cut out Gertrude who he knew Loki loved and who loved Loki, just because he was feeling-he didn’t know how he was feeling. But it didn’t feel good. It felt like a dark and quiet thing that stalked between the brambles at night, searching, protecting, hungry, all at once.

Gertrude look at him and gave him a smile, and it was so fucking sad, Thor wanted to scream, and another, tinier part alive inside of him wanted to collapse against her and cry helplessly and full-bodied like the time he was seven and Loki had told him he hated him for the first time. Like he was twelve and his dad had backhanded him for the first time. 

Damn Gertrude for caring about them at all. 

He smiled back, and it hurt, and they followed Loki as he put the cart away, talking a mile a minute about what they might have for dinner that night. 

Later that evening, when Gertrude had slipped out the kitchen door and Thor and Loki were left alone in the kitchen, Loki turned to Thor, a single eyebrow raised. ‘Are you and Gertrude keeping secrets now?’ he asked. Thor supposed, in a way, they were.

______

Loki was sweating terribly. He was past feeling self-conscious about it and was just to the point where he felt like he was dying. Like how he felt through every workout ever. That he did religiously every other day. Maybe Thor was right: maybe he was a masochist. 

Thor was sweating but not nearly as red-faced or panting or generally looking as ragged and miserable as Loki did that morning. He was flying across the treadmill, his hair tied back and his shirt off, glistening in the early sun like the beginning of some stupid kind of porno. 

Loki despised him. 

‘So what do you think everyone did over the summer? I’ve seen Sif and them a little bit, but I haven’t kept tabs on anybody else.’ 

‘Well a good portion of my class got busted for drug possession by their parents at some townhouse party in the city, and I heard there was a weird orgy thing that went on with the freshman coming up. So there’s that. Also, now that Steve’s graduated, you’re the top dog, so congrats, I guess.’

‘I am not top dog. And no one says top dog. At least no one under sixty.’

‘Deny it all you want: all those high school kids salivate just seeing you.’

Thor laughed. ‘Ew.’

‘It’s true! Literally half of my class has asked me if you are seeing anyone.’

‘What did you tell them?’

‘That you were dating Sif. It shut them down pretty quickly. Or in cases where a delicate touch was required, I told them you were dating Steve. Same difference.’

‘Not same difference. I’m guessing It’s a very different experience to date Sif as opposed to dating Steve.’

Loki slapped at his treadmill and brought it to a walk to cool down, reaching for his neck and taking his pulse as he went. Thor watched him bring his hand to his neck before he looked away. 

‘Would it though?’ Loki asked. ‘They’re kind of similar. You have a friend-type.’

‘A friend-type?’

‘Like a type for dating, but a type for friends. Actually, you have a type too. Besides that older woman you were seeing for a while-she was different.’

‘I do not have a type.’

‘You totally do. Snobby, rich, bitchy, pretty. That’s it. You like them mean, God knows why.’

‘That’s not true! Plenty of the people I’ve dated have been nice people, once you got to know them.’

‘You see, when you have to say, ‘once you get to know them’, that means they’re an asshole. I don’t make the rules Thor. You find bitchiness attractive.’ 

Thor looked at Loki with his mouth slightly parted. ‘I think,’ he said, after a beat too long spent looking at Loki to be comfortable. ‘That you might be right.’ 

‘Of course I’m right. I know everything about you, Thor.’ 

Thor slowed his treadmill as well, even though Loki knew for a fact he could keep running for another couple miles before he even started struggling. He smiled at Loki in the stupid way Thor smiled now day: slow and unbearably fond in a way that had Loki’s blood rushing in his ears. 

‘Do you now?’

‘Of course. We’ve spent the whole summer together. I’m an expert in all things Thor. I suppose now I’ll be a little better at fielding the questions about you from my classmates.’

‘They don’t really ask about me, do they?’

‘They do.’ They did. Thor was stupid and perfect and their classmates were just kids and falling for every single one of Thor’s many many charms, left and right, and pestering Loki about him. Thor grimaced. 

Loki hopped off the treadmill and leaned down to switch it off before going to stand by the free weights, waiting for Thor to join him as had been their routine for the past couple weeks. Eventually Thor lumbered over and followed suit, silent for a while and with an expression that spoke of some type of reflection. Loki just hoped he’d keep it to himself. 

His hope was in vain. Thor eventually broke the silence between them like a traveler trying to pass over a new ice bridge: hesitant, careful, barely there at all. 

‘So, things really are different from last year, aren’t they?’

Loki paused, mid-curl. ‘How so?’

‘Just-‘Thor shrugged. ‘Last year you said that you didn’t even know me. Now that’s different between us, I guess.’

‘We also have screaming matches near-constantly. Some would consider that regression.’

‘I wouldn’t say that. We don’t fight as much, and even when we do, we make up. We have fun all the time and now I can say I know your favorite movie and your favorite drink and how long you take to wake up in the morning and how you’re a shitty singer, even though you like karaoke. 

‘I’m just glad that even if the last year has been-has been really, just a shitshow, that some good came out of it.’ 

‘That was gross,’ Loki said. ‘Are you done?’

‘You’re such a bitch.’

Loki smiled at Thor, trying to bleed innocence. 

‘Guess I’m just your type then, huh?’

______

They had only been back to school for a month and already Loki had picked more fights in that time than over the entirety of the summer. Ever since Loki was a little kid he had had a hard time adjusting back to a school schedule; back to shorter days and a classroom and classmates, and he always took it out on Thor. Thor was able to handle it for the most part-it was mostly just Loki being bitchy, not anything serious-besides for the night of Loki’s sixteenth birthday. That had been a nightmare. 

So Thor was pleasantly surprised when Loki woke up in good spirits one Wednesday, eating cereal on the breakfast bar and chatting with Gertrude, his tie loose and collar popped. He even let Thor smooth down his collar and knot his tie with only a friendly grin in response, too involved in telling some story to Gertrude to break from his conversation. 

Thor watched him talk for a while, and when they got into the back of their car, he watched Loki talk at him some more, gesturing with elegant hands and wrists and curling his mouth around his teeth and dropping it open again, inviting, graceful, and a delight just to watch for the motions, never mind his words. Loki shook his head, his hair having grown even longer over the summer shaking with the movement. 

‘Thor, I’m starting to think you don’t care about nepotism at all.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Then why did you let me go on for the last thirty minutes about Aaron Schneider’s dad’s company? You’re so weird. Just tell me to shut up next time.’

‘I think it’s cool that you care about it.’

‘I don’t. I just thought it was a good piece of gossip.’

‘It was. That’s what I meant. You always find out everyone’s dirty laundry. How do you even begin to know the things that you know?’ Thor laughed. ‘One day you’re going to be ruling over us all by the strings of our high school scandals while we rule the world.’

Loki smiled coquettishly, which should have been inappropriate, but was wildly suiting of Loki. Thor smiled back. 

‘Maybe so,’ Loki said. ‘And if I revealed my sources, then they wouldn’t be reliable anymore. Trust works two ways, Thor.’

‘If only you were passionate about debate or biology the way you’re passionate about secrets.’

‘I’m in life for fun, not for success.’ Loki gave Thor a considering look. ‘What about you then? You said you’re in life for the people. So profession-wise, what is it you’re reaching for?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Well, you’re a senior. You have to pick a school this year, so you better have an idea soon. Each school has their specialty.’

‘I know, it’s just-‘Thor looked at his little brother, holding a thermos of coffee loftily and finishing his homework with a crayon he got from god knows where. ‘-never mind.’ 

Loki blinked and put down his homework, turning to more fully face Thor. ‘No, what is it?’ he asked. 

Thor hesitated. ‘It’s just, I guess the only jobs I see myself doing for the rest of my life are jobs that aren’t really options, you know? Like a teacher or a social worker or a writer. It’s not like an Odinson can go to an Ivy and then go disappear and live an ordinary life.’

‘Is an ordinary life what you want?’

Thor wasn’t sure. Thor knew nothing about himself, in the way that all eighteen-year-olds knew nothing about themselves, but also in the way a person that was fresh born from adversity was. Before the last year, Thor faced no real hardships. He enjoyed a life of optimism and wealth and privilege. He still had all those things, but deep inside of him, and inkling of doubt had been planted as to whether wealth and privilege could make him truly and lastingly happy.

When Thor pictured his future now days, he pictured himself doing things for other people, making himself feel good and whole that way, and then coming home to a place that had his mom and his brother and maybe even Gertrude. Maybe long evenings where he and Loki drank into the night and then Loki sent him off to work, still a little drunk.

He wasn’t sure that was ordinary. That mix of childhood and adulthood and everyman and wealth. Thor didn’t know what he wanted. And Loki was right-he was running out of time. 

He felt something on his leg, and when he looked down it was to Loki’s slender hand braced on his knee. Thor looked to Loki and Loki smiled, sweet and understanding and maybe completely false, but just as easily sincerely. ‘It’s okay to not know yet, Thor. You’ve got time. After all,’ Loki pushed his hair behind his shoulder and drew himself up, nose in the air, but hand still warming Thor’s thigh. ‘Even if you decide to be ordinary, I’ll live life decadently and extravagantly enough that you’ll be able to get away with it. I’ll be the bread winner and an elitist menace to all social circles. They won’t even pay attention to you.’ 

Thor laughed and reached over to cover Loki’s hand with his own, squeezing it briefly to show his thanks. ‘I don’t doubt it for a second,’ he said. Loki’s smile turned winning and Thor-Thor really hoped that it wasn’t just a child’s fantasy that his brother would be in his future.

‘Besides,’ Loki said. ‘There are options. You could be an advocate for children’s rights or a lawyer for a non-profit or whatever you want to be-an I’ll stand by your side. I won’t let dad bully you into anything you don’t want to do.’

Thor startled, and then threw his head back and laughed, long and deep. ‘You’re going to protect me then, is that it, Loki?’

Loki colored and ripped his hand away, punching Thor in the shoulder for good measure. ‘I didn’t mean it like that!’

‘I think you meant it exactly like that!’ He settled and took in Loki, seething, pink, precious. He was glad he had opened himself up to him again in the past year. 

‘You’re such an insufferable ass. I hope you get stuck managing off shore accounts for major manufacturers. And die alone.’

‘The die alone is a little out of left field.’

‘I’m planning to seduce your wife and cuckhold you.’

‘We could just share.’

Loki gave Thor a strange look, like Thor had just said something very weird. Thor didn’t think it was that weird. He couldn’t think that there’d ever be anyone he’d want to keep all to himself, that he’d refuse to share with Loki. What was Thor’s was always Loki’s. Love or the like hardly seemed any different.

‘I swear to God Thor, something’s not quite right in that brain of yours. You’d think you were the one that was dropped as a baby.’

‘You’ll never let that go, will you? I was three.’

‘You were three and you cracked my head open like an egg on a frying pan.’

‘Like a… oh my God. You’re so dramatic. You were fine.’

‘I wonder how much brain damage you caused.’

‘Judging from this conversation, a lot.’ 

Thor and Loki settled back into the leather seats of the town car, Loki with one leg curled up underneath him and Thor with his body tilted in Loki’s direction while they talked the rest of the ride into the city, quick and easy in a way they had relearned like they had never forgotten at all.

Maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe it was different, and it felt different, and Thor knew it. Knew it from the flutter in his stomach and the way Loki would look up sometimes, through his eyelashes and the way Thor’s throat would stick in response. Knew it from the curl of guilt in his belly when he watched Loki’s mouth too closely, watched Loki’s throat as he laughed. Thor was glad, was beyond glad to have his brother back. He just didn’t know what to do about the things that had changed between them.

 

After school, Loki rushed Thor, clinging to his arm and pulling him in the direction of their town car, red around the ears and windswept.

‘Thor!’ He cut a cursory glance at Sif. ‘Hi, Sif.’

She rolled her eyes and waved. ‘Hi Loki. Bye Thor.’

‘See you tomorrow!’ Thor shouted, disentangling himself from Loki. ‘First of all, rude. Second, what’s the hurry?’

‘I’m starving. I heard of this little fish and chips place in Long Island and I’m treating us. Sound good to you?’

‘I hate Long Island. You hate Long Island.’

‘I know! It’ll be fun.’ Loki’s eyes were a little wet and shiny from the cold, and he looked at Thor, blinking watery eyes hopefully, and Thor’s chest burned. 

‘We won’t get home until late. Mom and Dad might get pissy.’

‘Mother and Father never get home before seven and you know it. Don’t you want to have a little fun with your little brother? You’re a senior and going off God knows where next year, so this year is our last to spend some time together. Live a little, Thor.’

Thor looked down his nose at Loki and pretended to think about it, as if he had a choice in whether or not he got swept up in Loki’s whims and schemes and his everything. Loki didn’t change his expression, looking up at Thor like he knew the truth about Thor’s will when it came to him.

‘Fine. But we’re going above deck on the ferry,’ he relented, mouth betraying him, a small smile made just for Loki settling down on his face. 

Loki smiled back, a killer thing. ‘Wouldn’t dream of anything else.’

The ride to the ferry was much like the ride to school- easy and light and something that Thor could relax into for hours-and once the ferry itself got moving they left their driver, Jesus, below deck and stood in the wind and continued on, joking about what Loki called the ‘island trash’ and making up wilder and wilder back stories for innocent passengers, just commuting and making their way through their day and ending up unsuspecting characters in Loki’s tales. Loki ran around the deck, pulling Thor by the hand, not caring who saw, his laughter being carried away by the wind and cheeks turning wind chaffed and rosy. Thor couldn’t help matching his cheer.

By the time they unloaded off the ferry both of their hair was tangled and ratty and Jesus just smiled at them from the rearview mirror.

It turned out the fish and chips place was right on the water, and was a real hole in the wall place. They settled into a small booth with faded vinyl seats and cheerfully tiled tables. A kindly older waitress took their order and disappeared into the back without much ado. They had a view of the shore, crumbling and cold, the city bright on the other side of the water. 

‘Thanks for coming with me.’

‘Of course,’ Thor said. ‘However, if these aren’t the greasiest, crunchiest, best fish and chips ever, I’m going to be a little pissed.’

‘You can’t stay mad at me,’ 

‘I really can’t.’ Thor didn’t know what it was about Loki that compelled him to forget as easily he angered in the first place, but he was helpless against it. When Loki wanted to come to him with a proverbial white flag, Thor always accepted, always relented and shelved his anger away for another day.

Loki tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. ‘It’s one of my favorite traits of yours,’ he said, mouth curved sweetly. 

‘It would be.’

‘That felt a little like an accusation, dear brother?’

‘Not at all.’ Thor lolled his head to one side. ‘Maybe a little.’

‘I resent that.’

‘You can resent it all you want, the fact is you take advantage of my bleeding heart.’

‘Your-‘ Loki laughed. ‘Bleeding heart? Really, Thor? Your heart is a lot of things: misguided, sometimes kind, foolish, but bleeding? That’s a stretch.’

‘I’m a good person.’

Loki’s smile narrowed, and his hand on the table between them twitched so that Thor almost thought it was going to reach for his own. ‘You are. But not dangerously so.’

‘Maybe not usually, but…’

‘But nothing, Thor. A heart is never something worth being dangerous with.’

‘Even if the reward is worth the risk?’

Loki’s eyebrows drew together, a little crease between them. ‘Even then,’ he said. 

‘Do you ever think that way of thinking will close you off to the world?’

‘Do you ever think your thinking will only get you hurt and overexposed?’

Thor sighed, and against his better judgement breached the space between their hands, his covering Loki’s slender fingers. ‘You need only expose yourself to the things you want to be known by. If you aren’t truly known, you are alone. No one wants to be alone.’

‘Excuse you, I’m perfectly happy-‘

‘When have you ever been happy?’

Loki’s mouth dropped open before he closed it quickly, jaw clenching. ‘Why are we even having this conversation? What is this conversation even about?’ Thor knew Loki knew what it was about the same way he knew that Loki knew Thor wouldn’t say what it was about. Thor didn’t even know what he was arguing for; for his brother to open himself up to him more? Like there was more of Loki left to give? Like he hadn’t given Thor enough in the past year?

He thought of Gertrude. He was being selfish. He was always greedy when it came to Loki-he couldn’t help it.

‘I think,’ Thor said, slow smile on his face. ‘That we were talking about nothing at all, really.’

Loki didn’t smile back, instead the crease between his brows only grew minutely, before his facial expression smoothed all together and he withdrew his hand from underneath Thor’s. 

‘Then let’s talk about something,’ Loki said. ‘Earlier today you said something about being a writer. I had no clue you had a proclivity for writing.’

‘Barely an interest, more like.’

Loki smiled then, and it at least seemed brittle enough to be sincere. ‘I know you Thor; anything you have an interest in you have a talent and passion for. What type of writing interests you?’

Thor knew Loki was trying to divert him, he just didn’t know from what. Didn’t know whether to let him. ‘Journalism or novels,’ he said, lamely, like their conversation meant anything. He looked at the chipping tabletop in front of him.

‘Quite the range there.’

Thor shrugged. ‘Not really. Journalism you get a chance to write real time stories and reports on situations and problems facing people’s lives in the hopes that you can spur change and action and in novels, you can do the same thing but through a fictional medium. It’s all about people, I guess. Again. I’m pretty predictable, pretty boring.’ Thor laughed. ‘Maybe I really am a bleeding heart.’

Thor looked up and met Loki’s eyes, took stock of him, and was relived to see that Loki had melted into something gentler, more kind. ‘You’re not. You’re a good person, which I like, don’t get, but it’s…’ Loki smiled at Thor in a way that thrilled right through him, made him feel ten feet taller and ten times the man he was. ‘The world doesn’t deserve you, Thor.’ 

Thor didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what was safe.

‘Two fish and chips.’ Their waitress came back sliding their plates in front of them, the air still thick and waiting. Both Loki and Thor leaned back in their seats, Thor not realizing he had leaned forward in the first place. Thor thanked their waitress as she left. They looked at each other a moment over their food, before Loki reached out and grabbed a fry, face schooled back into something passive, something causal. They dug into their food. 

Loki was right. The food was amazing: greasy and probably awful for you, but amazing, especially shared there with Loki where he could watch him carefully tear off pieces of fish and dip them into some type of sauce, mouth shiny from all the grease. Loki had a terrible habit of talking with his mouth full, despite their good breeding and their mother constantly berating him for it at family dinners, and Loki was giving Thor an eyeful of his food, talking away, good mood regained with their meal. Thor was relieved. And maybe, just maybe, he was disappointed. Disappointed in a way that left his stomach full before he could eat, made his chest full. 

Thor was getting tired of guilt.

‘Grayson and Jack?’ A voice asked, interrupting. Thor looked up from his gaze on Loki’s fingers and looked at the man standing over their table, dressed in a grey hoodie and looking straight at Loki, a single eyebrow raised. Thor felt his hackles go up. 

‘I’m sorry?’ Loki asked. 

The man rolled his eyes. ‘You’re Grayson, right? Teenager, long black hair, with a friend.’ The man lowered his voice. ‘Here to pick up?’ Loki looked across the table at Thor, delight written all across his face. Thor slouched further in his seat, grin matching Loki’s and imperceptibly nodding. This could be interesting. 

‘Yeah, that’s me.’

When Loki didn't do anything else the man looked annoyed. ‘I told you, It’s forty up front.’

‘No problem.’ Loki dug into his backpack, pulling out his wallet and handing the money over quickly and discreetly, or as discreet as one could be in a restaurant. The man left a small pill bag on the table underneath the lip of Loki’s plate and then he left, as easy as that. Loki blinked a couple of times before he grabbed at the bag and studied it under the table. When he looked up it was with a giddy smile. ‘Quick,’ he said. ‘Let’s leave the cash for the meal and leave before the actual buyer shows up.’

Thor grabbed his backpack and took one last bite from a handful of fries. ‘Sure thing, what’d we get?’

‘I think addy, but I’m not sure. I’ll look it up in the car.’ They rushed into the car where Jesus was still waiting, eating something he must have picked up from one of the fast food places nearby. When he started up the car and pulled away Loki propped up his backpack and took the pills out behind it. Inside the plastic bag were roughly ten bright blue pills with markings that Loki was googling, even though Thor had been around long enough to recognize Adderall when he saw it. 

Loki flashed his screen, which confirmed, yes, it was Adderall, and put the pills into his bag, slipping out two pills and sliding one onto Thor’s palm.

The pills started kicking in while they waited for the ferry to dock, and Loki’s pupils started to swell, eating out the color in his eyes and turning them dark. Thor could feel his palms start to sweat and nervous energy was being born in the pit of his stomach, compelling him to do something, to latch on to something, to will away his time as best he could.

So he and Loki talked until the ferry got in and once on the ferry they stalked around the decks, stomping in the wind and watching as the boat cut through the water and came closer to the city. Thor thought he’d remember the way Loki looked that evening-his hair snagging in the wind, pink-faced and wide-eyed-for years to come. He could probably be sixty and still remember the way Loki smiled at him in that moment, all teeth, all danger, and everything that Thor had ever thought to want. The city was nothing compared to him. All the trappings of their world; all the drugs and booze, money, and women in the world, it was nothing compared to Loki. 

Any future Thor could imagine, any small house and sweet wife and two kids and a dog, it was all nothing. Loki was everything for him in that moment. All he could ever see wanting. 

Once back in the city they joked and laughed and talked more seriously than either were prone to do, and let the words fall between them like live and fearless things they could both face down. Thor still had his mind about his though. His inhibitions were lowered, but he knew better than to speak on things that couldn’t be unspoken, couldn’t be undone. They just circled around the same conclusion, neither wanting to bring certain things to life. Not yet. 

By the time they pulled into the estate road the pills had started to wear off a little, the initial punch dulling down, but Loki still seemed eager to spend time with him. 

They thanked Jesus and walked up to the porch, waving him away. 

‘That was fun. Thanks for making me go.’

‘Yeah, do you-‘

‘You wanna play the 64 with me?’ Thor asked over Loki, incase Loki said things that would take him away from Thor. 

‘What?’ Loki asked, slipping out of his shoes and taking them in hand. He started up the staircase and Thor hurried to follow him.

‘Do you want to play the retro 64 I have in my room with me? We used to play when we were little, I just thought, maybe until dinner.’

‘We already had dinner.’

‘Yeah, well. Do you want to play or not?’

Loki pursed his lips before the corner of his mouth betrayed him and strayed upwards. ‘Yeah, okay,’ he said. ‘That sounds like fun. Let me just put my shoes away and change. I’ll meet you in your room.’

‘Great.’

Loki’s smile was full blown now, looking at Thor like he was something odd. He shook his head and turned down hall for the left wing his room was situated in. It wasn’t until he disappeared into his room that Thor realized if housekeeping hadn’t been in that day, he’d have to quickly pick up for Loki. He rushed to his bedroom and was relieved to see that yes, his room had been picked up, even his lacrosse gear, and he started setting up the game system to the TV against the far wall of the room. 

It had been ages since Loki had been in his room in more than passing. Thor was oddly nervous about it. He wanted Loki to feel comfortable in his room. He wondered if Loki would rather sit on his bed or the armchair and was about to just move over the armchair just in case, when there was a knock on his door. He hurried over and opened up to see Loki on the other side, in sweats and a tee shirt. It was as casual as he’d seen Loki since… years really. 

Loki raised one eyebrow. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Yeah, yeah, come in. I was just finishing setting up. Make yourself comfortable.’ Thor moved back to the 64, unraveling the controllers and watching Loki out of the corner of his eye. Loki flopped himself down on the end of Thor’s bed without hesitation, at least not any that Thor could see, and then quickly took stock of Thor’s room, his eyes roving over every corner and every piece of furniture. 

‘What game do you want to play?’ Thor asked. 

‘I don’t know. Mario kart or something similarly easy to start, I suppose.’

‘Okay, I can do that.’

Loki was staring at Thor’s floor to ceiling bookshelf. He looked a little surprised, though he shouldn’t have been. Reading had always been Thor and Loki’s thing when they were little, and the hobby hadn’t just gone away when they grew apart. He had continued to foster the interest in himself, with or without Loki there to trade stories and well-worn books with him. Besides, reading was the reverse of writing, and Thor had already confided that interest to his brother.

Thor didn’t say anything and instead just handed the controller to Loki, who took it gently.

‘I haven’t played in years, so you’ll have to go easy on me.’

‘It’s Mario Kart. There’s no such thing as going easy on someone.’

‘If you can’t even make exceptions for your own baby brother, then who can you make exceptions for?’ Loki asked, smile coy. 

‘No one. It’s Mario Kart. I feel like I just said that. I did just say that right?’

‘Fine, be an asshole. Just know that I'll destroy you, goofy big brother or not.’ 

‘Counting on it ‘Lo.’ Thor grabbed his controller and hesitated before sitting down and joining Loki at the foot of the bed, pulling his feet up and under him. His thigh was nearly touching Loki’s where they were pulled neatly to his side. 

They played a long while, long enough to hear their parents come home and Gertrude leave, her old Chevy pulling out of the gravel road of the service entrance, and for Loki’s shoulders to unwind, to climb down from around his neck until he was loose in Thor’s bed, leaning back and swearing at the screen. Long enough for the daylight outside Thor’s windows to extinguish, and for Loki to be lit up by the TV screen, all sharp blues and sharp angles, no other light in the room turned on. 

Thor beat Loki at the melee for the umpteenth time and Loki finally looked away from the screen, throwing his controller against the comforter. ‘I suck.’

Thor laughed. ‘At this game, yeah,’ he said, teasing. 

‘Rude as fuck.’

‘You were alright at Mario Kart.’

‘Platitudes,’ Loki muttered, crowding closer to Thor on the bed, crawling on his knees and poking Thor on the chest with one long, pale finger.

‘Sincerity.’

‘An idiot’s sincerity is worth nothing.’

‘Which is why I never believe a thing you say,’ Thor said, reaching out a hand and wrapping it around Loki’s own, still perched against his chest.

‘No, you never believe me because-well probably because it’s a good call in general.’

‘Do you admit you’re a liar?’

Loki squinted his eyes. ‘I’m not a liar when it matters.’

‘That’s even worse! That way I don’t know if you’re telling the truth because it’s serious or lying because you so often do.’

Loki smiled and brought his face closer, close enough that Thor could feel his breath, a little stale from their dinner and the pills but unbearably warm and wet. ‘Maybe I like it that way. Maybe it keeps my secrets for me.’

Thor chuckled, closing his eyes briefly so that in that moment, he could focus on Loki so fully he could feel the heat of him, the weight of him, and could smell him even and touch him, if he dared to reach out. When he opened his eyes, it was to be met with Loki’s own dark eyes, sucking what little light there was out of the room. ‘You’re talking bullshit again, ‘Lo. Just admit you like the drama.’ 

‘The drama!? How dare you reduce me to-to-‘ Loki gave a play shove to Thor’s chest where Thor was still holding onto him, and Thor fell back into the bed, pulling Loki with him. When Loki was flat to his chest he rolled them over so that he was astride Loki, pinning his hands above his head with one arm and bringing their faces close. Loki gave a playful struggle before Thor threatened him: ‘You know what I’m going to do Loki. It’ll be just like the time you were five and you-‘

‘Thor, don’t you dare! Let me up! If you even so much as-‘ Loki cut off as Thor brought his free hand down to Loki’s sides, wriggling his fingers as he went. Loki made a punched-out sound that did something interesting low down to Thor’s belly. Loki groaned. Thor might have miscalculated.   
‘Thor, you know I hate being tickled!’ Thor bit the inside of his cheek and continued his efforts, watching as Loki turned pink and burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter, chest heaving and the mouth of his shirt stretch enough to show that, yes, the flush did go all the way down to his chest. 

Loki had disliked being tickled even as a little boy. Thor would use it as punishment when Loki would be particularly unwieldy, and Thor needed to get a leg up to get him to go along with him or Gertrude. It was weird to think that boy was the same boy underneath him now, except it really wasn’t, because this was where they were going all along, wasn’t it?

Thor had always loved Loki, had adored him. Loki had loved him back. Their love didn’t live trapped in one of their many photos framed up on the hallway between their room. It lived in them, changed in them as they changed too. This pretty, panting Loki was the same Loki of ten years ago and Thor’s love was that same love he’d had all his life for his stupid amazing brother, even if was a little bit different. This had changed but underneath it all-Thor was still a good brother, was still a good man.

‘Thor? Are you okay?’

Thor startled, not realizing he’d stopped tickling Loki. Not realizing he now had a problem in his slacks that was pointing clear at Loki, if only the room was a little bit brighter. 

‘I’m fine. Are you okay? Or are you still going to be a poor sport?’

Loki smiled beatifically underneath him and that-that was killer. ‘I’m going to be good,’ Loki said. ‘Let me up?’

Thor let go of Loki’s hand where he was pinning them and leaned back, away from the bewildering heat and the smell of skin and salt and Loki and away from Loki’s face, so serene and calm even when Thor’s knuckles were creaking from the force of keeping his hands off of him. 

Thor swung off of Loki and got up to change the game in the Nintendo while Loki settled back up, straightening himself out. ‘What do you want to play next?’ Thor asked. He pretended he didn’t hear the gravel in voice. 

______

In Loki’s defense, Thor had been acting moody. And a moody Thor was a Thor that paid little attention to Loki and Loki didn’t like that shit very much at all, now days. But in hindsight, starting a fight in the town car, at the beginning of their hour-long commute, had not been Loki’s finest idea. Jesus was probably ready to just crash the damn car.

By the time they pulled up to the estate, Thor basically threw himself out of the car and up porch steps. Loki thanked Jesus quickly and made to follow him, making sure he wouldn’t get to far away. Fighting with Thor wasn’t fun. He hated it. But sometimes it was necessary. 

Thor was already on the second story landing, so Loki ran up the steps to follow him into his room, foot shoved in the doorframe just as Thor made to slam it shut. Thor groaned. ‘Get out.’

‘We’re not done talking about this.’

‘What’s there to talk about? I already told you that I didn’t mean crazy like that.’

‘Well you do realize that being a clueless idiot doesn’t excuse your carelessness, don’t you?

Thankfully that seemed to anger Thor further. ‘And you want to talk to me about insulting you!? Honest to God, Loki, you’re the worst type of hypocrite.’

‘At least I’m not a self-righteous asshole!’ Loki spit.

‘Self-righteous? When have I ever been self-righteous!?’

‘Always! You go around acting like you’re better than everyone else, like you’re so fucking superior all the fucking time. You’re cocky and arrogant and so full of yourself I don’t know how all your two-dime whores don’t get sick off of you!'

‘I don’t think I’m better than anyone! I’ve never said that! Never! I don’t-I’m sorry you’re so fucking insecure that everything I do is so threatening to you that you misconstrue it as arrogance. What a sad, pathetic life that must be.’

Loki pushed into the room, hand planted on Thor’s chest and pushing him back deeper into Thor’s room. ‘The only thing sad and pathetic is your self-involvement and vanity! Anything that’s not Thor goes right over your fucking head. I bet you’d hardly care if another one of your friends drank themselves to death, would you?’ As Loki watched Thor’s face changed-from shock and then into the flash-quick curl of snarl, before Thor pounced on him and dragged him to the floor, Loki smacking his elbow as he went. Thor pinned him by the throat to the hardwood. Loki loved it when Thor pinned him by the throat. 

‘What the fuck is wrong with you!?’

‘What’s wrong with you?’ Loki rasped. Thor watched him for a second, and his eyes turned sad, like Loki had somehow disappointed him, and that was-that was stupid. 

Loki used Thor’s lapse in anger to slip from his grip around his throat and to tackle Thor onto his back. From there, Thor’s body worked as if muscle memory, wrestling with Loki as they shouted obscenities at each other. 

When they finally tired themselves out, Thor was pinning Loki down over his back. Loki moved back to gain a little leverage for his legs and when he did, his back brushed something stiff against him. Thor went tense from his spot on top of Loki.

Loki rocked forward further before pushing back again, and there it was again, this time sung on the back of his slacks pulled tight across his ass. Loki trembled. It was too-Thor couldn’t, could he? Loki rocked back again, and Thor moved, just a little twitch of his hips, barely there but something, chasing the friction that Loki was making for him. And he wasn’t rolling off of Loki. He was just laying there on top of him, tense and quiet while Loki moved, just like last time. Except this time, Loki could feel Thor, he could feel the weight of him right between the globes of his ass, and it thrilled him in a way he was sure he’d never be thrilled again. 

He moved faster, and finally, Thor snapped his hips into the movement, and his length dragged down until it nudged at Loki’s sac, and yeah, that was-good.

Loki propped himself up on his elbows, thrusting his ass into the air, into Thor, and rocked in a harsh rough rhythm. Thor’s breathing had gone off, little huffs instead of filling his lungs, and he moved erratically. 

Loki groaned, long and deep and straight from his chest, and Thor wrapped his arm around his middle in response, dipping his hand underneath Loki’s shirt. Thor started to pet down his front, fingers barely brave enough to sneak towards a nipple where he was chasing Loki’s skin with thick fingers. They both started moving in earnest, Loki trying make Thor lose more of his cool, to see him unravel, and Thor just chasing the sensation Loki had initiated, both of their movements crude, like rutting animals, there on the floor. 

There was the faint sound of a car pulling into the driveway. They stopped mid-motion, and Loki could feel Thor holding his breath. 

‘Fuck.’ Thor rolled off of Loki. Part of Loki wanted to protest, to pull Thor back to him, to take him and never let him go, just like Thor had told him to do in the first place. The other part was horrified. With himself. With Thor. 

Thor checked out the window and then paled. ‘It’s Mom and Dad,’ Thor said, voice low and quiet. 

‘Oh, yeah.’ Loki only just then remembered something that Gertrude had said earlier in the week. ‘We’re having family dinner tonight. I was supposed to tell you.’

‘Family dinner.’ Thor looked like he was going to be sick. Loki gathered himself incase it happened while he was in the room.

‘Yes,’ he said, heading for the door. ‘Family dinner. They’re home early tonight. It should be nice.’

‘Family,’ Thor spit the word, and Loki was shocked to hear something so bitter leave Thor’s mouth.

‘Thor-‘

‘Loki, don’t. Let’s just-don’t. Please.’

Loki studied Thor’s face carefully, the beloved and familiar features turned up in disgust, in conflict. There was no room there for Loki in that face, no room for the tenderness Loki ached for. ‘Fine,’ Loki said, leaving Thor to his thinking or whatever the fuck was going through his head where there was no place for the consideration of Loki. Loki might leave Thor be, for now, but he wouldn’t make things easy for Thor. Not that night. 

 

Thor pushed Loki into the service hallway, rough hand on his arm. 

‘What the fuck Loki?’ Thor crowded him against the wall, their feet bumping on the hardwood and his body large and warm and angry. It was almost too good.

‘There’s no need to be dramatic.’

‘No need to be dramatic? How can I think-anything, when you say stuff like that in front of Mom and Dad!?’

‘It wasn’t half as bad a you’re making it out to be.’

‘Loki, I’ve never seen you so wanton in my life.’

‘Really Thor?’ He dropped his head and looked at Thor from underneath his eyelashes. ‘Not even when we were rolling around on your bedroom floor less that two hours ago?’ 

Thor froze against Loki, all hard, long lines bunched and poised for action but too scared to move at all. It wasn’t fair. A few fumbling touches had been all that was take, but now there was all this awkwardness that couldn’t settle between them. A Thor that didn’t know his lines, didn’t know how to play along, was just unfair. 

‘Loki, I-‘ Thor cut off, brow furrowing and eyes pleading, looking into Loki’s like Loki had his cue. Loki didn’t know what the hell he was doing either. He was sixteen and a child and wanting, and he loved his brother so, so, terribly. He just knew that Thor could make this hurt worse, or that he could make it better. He wanted to believe Thor knew what best to do, even if it was clear on his face he didn’t. He wanted to believe that one of them would make a move, and that it would be the right move.

‘Thor.’

Thor frowned and dropped his arm, but seemed to sway closer, until they were breathing the same air. Hopefully Thor knew what Loki did in that moment, knew what thrilled and frightened Loki in equal turns, making his hands tremble as he reached between them as he plucked at the ends of Thor’s loose hair like he had so many times before. He hoped Thor knew they were running out of time to avoid the things that grew inside of them, planted and tended for so many months, maybe even years. 

Thor dropped his head as well, sighing. Loki could feel it on the side of his face, could smell the dinner they just shared in the dining room, siting across from each other and next to the parents they shared. 

Loki wanted to laugh. Wanted to cry and crush Thor to him; to make him acknowledge him and these things between them, to soother the desperate want that had not left all evening, even when the reality of their situation was hammered home during dinner. Thor reached out and took a hold of his hand, not breaking eye contact and bringing the underside of Loki’s wrist close to him mouth and pressed a gentle open-mouthed kiss on his pulse point. Loki felt heat flood him. 

Thor returned Loki’s hand to him and smiled, sadly, slowly.

‘No,’ Loki said, faint. 

‘Loki-‘

‘No,’ he said, more firmly now. ‘You can’t do this. Don’t do this. Don’t say another fucking word, Thor.’

‘What do you want me to do? I can’t do what you want me to do.’

‘Yes, you can! I’m giving you permission.’

Thor shook his head. ‘That’s not enough.’

‘Why not? Why can’t it be?’

Thor watched him, mouth open, pale and pink and parted and so fucking close to his own mouth, and so damn unfair. Loki made a move to reach out to him again and Thor stepped back. Loki felt like tearing his hair out, like hissing and purring and holding himself like he was a cat in heat and hoping that Thor would be helpless to him.

Loki made to recover the step between them.

‘Why Thor? Answer the question. Is it because that’s what you’re supposed to say?’ Loki watched Thor swallow, heard the wet sound of his mouth gathering spit beforehand.

‘No. No, it’s because I-‘

Loki gained a step on Thor. ‘You what?’

Thor reached out then, hands braced on Loki’s shoulders, curling his fingers around him so tightly that it hurt. Loki looked at him, hard, and was pissed to see the Thor wasn’t even looking at him anymore. Was looking at the picture behind them. 

‘Loki, I’m just trying to do what’s right for you. What’s right for, everybody. And-and doing what we want to do, it’s not right. It can’t be. I can’t do that to you.’

‘But I want you to.’ Loki reached up to Thor’s face, found his hands still shaking, and pulled Thor’s face down to his, until they rested their foreheads together. It was okay. It was okay. 

Thor was there with him, breathing the same air, feeling the same feelings, knowing the same madness. Loki was not alone in this. In many, many things he was, but this guilt, this bitter ache and unrelenting want, he was not alone. He could tell by the way Thor breathed, like a racehorse, huffing out of his nose, nervous, and from the way he twitched closer, like he was waiting for Loki to convince him it was okay, his body large and looming and smelling of the Thor from sweat and sleep and sweet memories. 

‘Thor, I want you.’

Thor nudged closer, pulling the line of his nose down across Loki's, his hands finding their way to his waist. ‘That’s not enough,’ Thor said, still pulling Loki in, betraying himself. 

‘Thor. It’s enough.’ Loki brought his mouth closer, hovering over Thor’s until it was wet between them and they were both panting into each other’s mouths. Thor slipped his hand under Loki’s shirt and stroked at his flank. ‘It’s got to be enough. There’s nothing else besides this-besides you and me. We’re all that matters. You want me, and I want you.’ As Loki spoke his mouth brushed against Thor’s, whisper light and barely there but still thrilling. ‘It’s enough.’

Thor sighed through his nose, long and deep and sagged imperceivably into Loki. ‘If we-if we do this, we drink first.’ 

Loki laughed. Like saying they were drunk would make it any better. ‘Father’s study?’ he asked.

‘His study,’ Thor agreed. 

They stayed there for a while, even thought they both knew they could get caught, just breathing the same air and letting their hands stray over firm skin and coarse hair, letting out little sounds that faded just as fast as they came, proving to them that the world would not stop because of a few stolen touches. 

Eventually they disentangled, and Loki led Thor by the hand up to the fourth floor, looking back and laughing wildly at random. Thor smiled back and once, even joined him in his laughter, having to stop and clutch at his belly as he doubled over, caught by some type humor.

Loki moved his fingers over and slotted them together with Thor’s. Thor let him, squeezing back. 

When they reached the study, Loki push the door inward quietly, and then froze, unable to process what he was seeing, and yanked his head out of the doorframe. He, gripped by some unknowable force, looked again. It was worse the second time around. All of his earlier arousal fled him and left him sick. Thor looked in as well and quickly pulled back, face soured. They both looked back in unison, one last time, and then away again, running back for the staircase. 

‘Were they?’

‘Oh my God!’

‘That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen-‘

‘I think I’m going to die-‘

‘Why do they still-‘

‘No, I don’t-‘

‘Ugh.’

They headed down for Thor’s room as quickly and quietly as they could, shutting the door right behind them. Loki headed for Thor’s bed, flopping face-down into his comforter. He heard Thor start to laugh behind him so he grabbed blindly at a pillow and threw at what he hoped was Thor’s head. The bed dipped besides him, but Loki didn’t feel his blood rush, didn’t feel his stomach clench. He rolled over onto his back and looked up at Thor.

Thor smiled, a little defeated. ‘Kind of ruined the mood, yeah?’

‘Yeah. It was gross. I’d rather just… play a game, or something?’ Loki didn’t want to go back to his room. It would give Thor time to change his mind. Time to think it had been a momentary lapse of judgement and something they could brush aside, when the truth was that even if it didn’t happen tonight, it was happening, as inevitable as daybreak. He hoped Thor knew that, without Loki having to tell him.

Thor’s smile turned soft, and he reached out a hand to Loki’s face, swiping a thumb across his cheekbone. ‘A game sounds great. I’ll set it up.’

______

They didn’t talk about it. Loki had let Thor stew on it for almost two weeks, and now they were holed up together in the same small landing, barely a hallway and one shared bedroom between them in their parents cabin up at Cascade Falls for Columbus Day. 

Thor couldn’t sleep. It was their first day in the cabin, and whenever they went on trips, or Thor stayed at a friend’s house, or tried to sleep anywhere that was not his own bed, he had troubles falling asleep. It was that, on top of everything else. 

He went to check if Loki was also still awake, wrapping the throw blanket at the foot of his bed around his shoulders as he went. Once in the hallways he could see Loki’s bedroom door, left wide open, sheets kicked to the end of the bed. Thor sighed and made his way down to the kitchen, hoping to find his brother. He just needed to see him. They hadn’t talked much in the past two weeks, and Thor was off. 

Sometimes all it took was a wry smile from his brother and his day would become more meaningful, his heart fuller. Without spending time with Loki like he had gotten used to, his days had been lacking luster, lacking color.

Maybe Gertrude, damn her, was right. 

Loki wasn’t in the kitchen, but when he looked out the bay window he saw a blanket on the dock. Thor sighed and grabbed some extra blankets and head for the dock as well, not bothering to put on any extra clothes or even shoes. He walked quietly, stretching out his toes and the pads of his foot, one careful footstep after another until he heard the tell-tale sounds of water being moved through. He picked up pace until he was standing there, feet braced against the floating dock, holding an armful of blankets and watching his brother’s pale arms cut through the water.

Loki was far out for being by himself and for a fall night. Loki always did stupid things like this without flinching. Thor did too, but that was different. Thor didn’t think. Loki didn’t care, and that was far, far worse.

After a while Loki must have spotted him, and he headed inland slowly, turning around on his back and floating to Thor leisurely. He was bright white in the water and underneath the moon. Thor was half-scared that something would see him glowing like he was, see him pale and lean and beautiful, and try to steal him away. But nothing stole him away, and Loki climbed out of the water shivering, hair curled from the wet. He didn’t say anything, so Thor just picked a blanket and wrapped it around him tightly and settled to sit on the dock, pants rolled up and feet in the water with his own blanket around his shoulders. Loki settled too. Took another blanket from the pile Thor had brought and wrapped that around him as well. 

The silence was not comfortable. Thor was so used to the well-worn cohabitation of that summer he had forgotten they could even do taunt, punishing silences, full of unsaid things and undone emotions. 

‘You’re stupid.’

‘You’ve done far more reckless.’

‘You’re going to crack a tooth. I can hear them clattering together.’

‘You brought me blankets.’ Of course, Thor did. He saw Loki doing something stupid and dangerous and he helped him along. Made it so that he wouldn’t be cold and that he’d be safe. Made it so that Loki would think if he wanted to swim in the middle of the night without telling anyone in very cold water, Thor would be there to make it alright. 

Thor didn’t even know what to do anymore.

‘You could have drowned.’

Loki shrugged. ‘Then I’d have drowned.’

‘That’s not a good answer at all. What would Dr. Jackson say?’ 

Loki’s eyes were mean and pretty, full of moonlight and looking up at Thor with such terrible disappointment that Thor felt it like a punch to the gut. ‘I dunno. He’d probably-I dunno.‘ Loki shook his head and Thor felt a drop of water hit the side of his face and roll down. Loki smelled like lake water and Thor wanted to pull his head close, to breathe him in, even then. 

‘You probably fucked up, huh?’ Thor asked. 

‘Yeah, well. So did you.’

‘Yeah.’ Thor did. With Loki there was no protecting him. There was no right answer and there was no right way to do things. Everything he did could devolve either way: either into something wonderful and light and beautiful between them, or into something heavy and heart wrenching and horrible. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He just knew what he wanted. He just knew what Loki wanted. Just knew that Loki was there on the dock with him, shivering and wet and looking right at Thor with something that lit his chest on fire and Thor had it in his best interest to make it right between them, for the both of them. 

They sat in their tension a little longer, until Thor could feel it in his muscles and his teeth. 

‘You need a shower ‘Lo.’

‘I know.’ He didn’t make to get up, so Thor moved first and got up, offered his hand to Loki. Loki’s eyes watched his face, slipped to the hand and back, before he grasped Thor’s hand and heaved himself up. Loki was always watching him so closely, like he was remembering each and every tell that Thor had ever shown, and would flee at the first sign of weakness, of indecision. 

Thor had two weeks’ worth of resolve crumbling in his belly, but Loki seemed not to notice, or seemed not to care, if he saw at all.

Once he was standing, Loki tightened his fingers around Thor’s, greedily and tight like when they were toddlers and Loki was still unsteady on his legs and used Thor for leverage for his clumsy steps. At the door they slowed down, careful not to wake their parents, and shut the door tight behind them, creeping up the stairs to their bedroom’s landing. Thor threw his wet blankets on his bedroom floor and grabbed his towel and followed Loki into the bathroom. Loki was already undressed, and when he caught sight of Thor behind him in the mirror, he colored but raised a single fine brow regardless. 

‘I wasn’t aware showering was a we thing.’

Thor chuckled and reached for the shower knob, turning on the water and running it on hot. He started to strip out of his clothes as well, trying for causal as he could be, trying to pretend he didn’t see his fingers shaking as he undressed. 

‘I put my legs in. Don’t want to get duck itch or something.’ 

Loki snorted and pushed past Thor and under the shower’s spray, closing his eyes and wetting his hair, rivulets of water making their way down his neck and chest. Loki had a good body. He worked out and it showed, but he wasn’t bulky like Thor; he was long and lean and perfectly built, in Thor’s opinion. Underneath the water like he was, he looked positively lithe, coiled tight and shifting muscle under pale skin and it looked-good. 

‘There’s no duck itch at cascade falls,’ Loki said.

Thor finished undressing and stepped into the shower behind Loki, handing Loki the soap as he went. ‘Maybe not. Never can be too careful though. Remember that one time we went to granddad’s lake house and there was something in the water? We were rashy and miserable for a week.’

‘Grandad’s lake is tiny. We’ll be fine, Thor.’

Thor let it go, returning the silence between them. He grabbed the shampoo, not realizing it was Loki’s until it was in his hair and he recognized the smell. The smell was a comfort, and he felt himself unwind just a little bit. Until he watched the suds being rinsed of Loki’s body, off the curve of his ass. He swallowed. 

‘Move over, I need to rinse my hair.’ Loki made an irritated sound but moved obligingly, and their bodies rubbed up against each other in the small space, both water slick and smooth and something that Thor was sure wouldn’t leave his head for days, just like the flushed color of Loki’s cock. 

They finished their shower with little incident, but just being close and bare and somehow so vulnerable feeling in their tiny bathroom had Thor partially stiff against his leg. Just like how Loki was flushed. 

By some unspoken agreement, neither of them made any move to get dressed after they had dried off. Loki hesitated in between their bedrooms before Thor guided him, one hand on the small of Loki’s back, still damp, into Loki’s room. He kicked the door shut behind them. Inside Loki’s room it was dark, besides the light outside the window, pale and wavering but enough to see Loki’s face by. To see his eyebrows draw together and lick his lips. Their breathing was rough in the room between them.

‘Loki. We don’t have to-‘ 

‘No, I want to-‘

‘Loki.’ Thor sat down on the bed, and Loki followed suit, close enough that Thor could feel his warm skin sticking to his own. If he wanted to, he could just turn Loki around and have him against the mattress, and Loki would probably just go along with it. He let out a ragged breath. ‘Loki, we really don’t have to do anything, at least tonight.’

‘If not tonight, then when?’

‘Fuck Loki, we’re going to know each other for the rest of our lives. I think we have time.’ 

‘But how-‘ Loki’s voice was quiet in a way it only was when he was uncertain, and that was not a Loki that Thor could do this with. He needed a Loki that knew what he wanted and wanted emphatically. ‘How do I know you’ll still want it later?’

Thor laughed, he couldn’t help it. ‘Sweetheart. Loki-‘ he reached out a hand to the back of Loki’s neck, pulled him close and looked into his brother’s face, the one he had known his whole life, that he had cared so much for one way or another throughout all successive stages of existing. Through growth and change. Throughout it all Thor’s regard for Loki had never wavered. Thor doubted that his want would fade quickly. It just wasn’t the pattern when it came to Loki. ‘I think I’ve wanted you for much longer than I care to admit. It’s not going anywhere, for me. And if it does, for you, then that’s fine. We’ll forget about it.’

The corners of Loki’s eyes crinkled. ‘I’d never want to forget this,’ he said and then slowly, very slowly, rested a palm on either side of Thor’s face, and brought him down for a kiss.

It was not like their first kiss-chaste and dry and closed mouthed-but open and wet and more Loki breathing into his mouth than anything else. When Thor moved to actively kiss Loki, Loki hesitated, before copying Thor and sucking Thor’s top lip into his mouth, inexperienced. It was heart wrenching. Thor would be happy to teach anything Loki wanted to do to Loki. He would be incredibly lucky to be the first person that Loki touched like this. 

Thor let Loki get used to the sensation, let him poke around his mouth a little bit, and felt himself melt, felt his heart get a little larger as Loki clumsily climbed his way inside with some messy kissing. 

It was something that Thor thought he could never have, and now that it was happening, he was surprisingly calm. Was just contented in a way he had never been before; he was happy with a heart full and weepy and saying Loki’s name on every heartbeat. 

When Loki started to lick into his mouth, Thor couldn’t help but to take control of the kiss again, digging one hand into Loki’s hair and angling his head back, tracing the insides of his brother’s teeth and then when he heard a groan, sucking his tongue into his mouth, messy and filthy. He moved his hand down the length of Loki arm to the front of his belly, just resting on the firm muscle of his stomach right on his happy trail. Loki’s stomach was contracting at the touch. 

Loki pulled off slowly, eyes tight closed for a moment, before looking at Thor. From the waning light outside Thor could see his face-the dazed eyes, the color high on his cheekbones, the raw mouth from Thor’s scruff.

‘Thor, can we-can we just?’

‘Can we what?’

Loki whined and tugged on Thor until Loki was laying on his back and Thor was braced over him, chest to chest, there hand between them. Loki moved Thor’s hand lower, past the thatch of dark hair and to his still partially stiff cock.

‘Yeah,’ Thor said. ‘We can do that.’

It was quick and messy, and Thor felt thrilled all the way to his toes, and that evening, after, Thor stayed in bed with Loki until it was light outside. Until he heard the birds start to wake and the pink of dawn crested over the lake Loki had been swimming in just hours ago. He gave his brother a kiss on the forehead and snuck back to his room.


End file.
